Consider this Scenario: Lucy and Jackson fall in love, get married, and enjoy brief post-honeymoon bliss. Problems come knocking when Jackson begins to criticise Lucy about everything – her cooking, washing, even her ability in bed.
Two years later, Jackson, a hitherto light drinker, graduates to abusing alcohol and emotionally neglects Lucy. Confused, Lucy does everything she can to please Jackson. She even suggests that they seek professional help, but he isn’t interested.
Five years on, their relationship has not shown much growth. Lucy now feels worn out and frustrated, and although she does not walk out on her husband, she gradually shuts him out.
She does not respond to complaints, does not ask for anything that she can provide for herself, and when he arrives home drunk, she spreads a mattress on the floor and sleeps there. When he asks for intimacy, she obliges, but does not participate.
In the eighth year of marriage, something begins to happen. Jackson reduces his drinking, complains less, and begins to compliment Lucy. He shows more interest in her, and she can see that he is trying to establish a relationship. He appears apologetic and embarrassed about his past behavior.
Lucy, however, scarred by his previous behaviour, does not respond to his compliments and withdraws from him. Deep inside, she wants to respond, but finds herself unable to.
After three years, however, she begins to thaw, but to her surprise, Jackson seems to have receded into the proverbial cave. I call this the despondency cycle.
What is happening here?
When people get married, they occupy a mental position characterised by love, hope, optimism, trust, appreciation, accommodation, and concern. If one of you fails to fulfill this expectation in the first two to three years of marriage, the vital relationship fails to form.
The aggrieved partner moves from the original mental position to a new one characterised by hopelessness, anger, confusion, disappointment, insecurity, fear and rejection.
When the offending partner attempts to go back, he expects to find the spouse at the original position, but is disappointed to find that their spouse has moved. He will stay there, (at the original position, waiting for the spouse to respond) and when this doesn’t happen, he slowly drifts to another position, made up of shame, loneliness, rejection, and fear.
When the originally offended spouse tries to come back, he makes the same mistake – looks for his other half in the original position and obviously doesn’t find her, and so the cycle continues.
How to break the cycle
First, don’t let the cycle begin: Both of you should be involved in building your marriage by constantly communicating, respecting each other’s values and opinions and committing to solve differences amicably.
Second, seek professional help: It is helpful to consult a professional who may help you to understand possible reasons for your spouse’s behavior. This does not guarantee a resolution, but it can help you to help your spouse and possibly save the marriage.
Even when a turnaround occurs, the likelihood of successful re-integration is higher when supported by a professional or another knowledgeable person.
Third, forgiveness. When you realise the need to rebuild your relationship, you must begin where your spouse is. The best route there is to ask for forgiveness.
Do not assume that since you have changed your ways, your spouse will automatically treat you as before.
On the other hand, when your spouse turns around, it is a perfect opportunity to break the cycle.
Unfortunately, the bitterness, fear and mistrust blocks the way, and those who feel wronged are either unable to forgive, or take too much time to respond. To ask for forgiveness and to forgive your spouse and yourself is the sure way to break the cycle.
The writer is a counselor. Do you have a relationship question? Write to skirunga@yahoo.com
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