When homes fall apart

By Wanja Gathu

Little Kevin came home from school one day to find his father gone. His car was not in the garage and his closet had been cleared out. His mother, who usually welcomed him with a hug, was sad and tearful. She cried even more when Kevin asked about his dad.

The bewildered little boy went and sat in his room, not knowing what to do. That night, he prayed, hoping that his father would come back; he hadn’t even said goodbye yet they had planned to go and watch a football game that Saturday.

There was no way his dad could leave just like that, he reasoned. He would definitely come back when his anger subsided.

But when he woke up the next morning, his dad had not returned. His mother said he had left for good. That was the saddest day of Kevin’s life.

Kevin is among a growing number of children who are finding themselves in single-parent families when their parents divorce or separate. Although statistics indicating exactly how many marriages in Kenya end up in divorce are hard to come by, indications are that cases of divorce are on the rise.

According to Wanjiku Nduati, who specialises in family law, there are more divorces coming before the courts today than there are weddings in church. She says that in any given month, she sees dozens of couples, most of them young, seeking divorce.

Unfortunately, when marriages break up, children, who the products of these unions, are often ignored.

Counsellor and psychologist Roselyn Angorok, who has worked with children affected by divorce, says children deserve to know when their parents decide to end their marriage because they are central to the union and stand to lose even more when families break up.

Angorok says even children as young as two years are very perceptive and intuitively know when their parents are having marital problems but if they are not told what is going on, they tend to blame themselves, thinking, “Mum and Dad fight because I am a bad boy.”

She notes that many children, especially boys, carry these scars and emotional pain into adulthood and are likely to end up as divorcees themselves as a result.

She said pre- and post- divorce therapy, though not common in Kenya, or indeed African culture, is highly beneficial to children because it gives them an opportunity to release pent-up emotions and free themselves from self-blame.

Susan, 45, still carries the scars and pain of her parents’ break-up. Now married with three teenage children, she has been striving not to make the mistakes her mother made, which forced her father to walk out on the family.

“I blame my mother for driving my father away. She refused to let go of things that did not matter,” she says of her mother’s adamant refusal to relocate to another town.

This created tension in their home and then when rumours began circulating that he was seeing another woman, Susan’s mother refused to forgive or allow him back, home, so he moved out.

As the eldest child, Susan, who was barely 20, found herself caught between her warring parents when the divorce went to court.

“Even today, I feel my mother blames me because I convinced her to move out of home to give my father time to work things out and that created so much tension between us that we could not talk to each other,” she explains, adding that that tension remains to date.

Still, she learnt some valuable lessons, such as the importance of resolving disagreements as soon as they arise and not holding grudges. She believes this is what has helped keep her marriage of 20 years intact.

In contrast, her younger brother, who suffered most from their parents’ break-up, is divorced. Susan says he became angry and rebellious, and withdrew from everyone. When he got married, the union was prone to strife and finally ended a few years ago, leaving him with two young children to raise alone.

Susan’s younger sister dealt with her pain privately. “My sister and I never really sat down to talk about the divorce or how it affected us but I felt she had created a wall around herself, perhaps to guard against further hurt.”

According to experts, what happened to Susan’s family is typical of families that break up and issues surrounding the break-up are not dealt with to the satisfaction and inclusion of all concerned.

But how does one break the news of an impending break-up to a three-year-old?

Angorok suggests straight talk: “Ask him or her whether they have noticed a change in the way Mum and Dad relate at home. The child is likely to say yes but add that they are afraid to say anything because they do not know how you, the parent, will react”.

That should be your cue to say something like, “You see, your dad and I have been fighting so much that we think it would be better if we lived apart.”

She adds that children often react to this revelation by crying and protesting because a child would rather live with both parents, no matter how bad the situation, than have to choose between them. This reaction might be followed by a display of anxiety and numerous questions about what happens next.

“The thing to do is reassure the child that although you will be living apart, you will still love them and provide for their needs as usual,” she says.

However, Angorok believes that couples should do their best to remain together for the sake of the children because children need the stability and reassurance that a stable family provides for them to thrive and mature into stable adults. However, if one party physically abuses the other, it is best to separate.

So, why is it that when faced with marital problems, many parents opt out without giving the children a thought? Is it because they are selfish and insensitive to their children’s needs?

When you talk to people who have separated or are on the verge of breaking up, they will often tell you, “I would rather be alone than be unhappy.”

When you ask about the children a common response is, “I know I can’t be a good father/mother to my children when I am always unhappy. Besides, all this fighting and shouting is not good for the children.”

In making these decisions, such parents are genuinely convinced that they are doing what is best for the children. Yet, strange as it may sound, children would rather remain in a home full of conflict and tears than be separated from either parent.

For them it does not matter how much you fight, so long as the family unit remains intact.

In fact, research has shown that children of divorce suffer irreparable damage, regardless of whether they were young and have little recollection of the experience, or whether they were old enough to understand what was happening.

Unfortunately, this damage is often not evident until the child reaches adulthood and tries to form his or her own relationships. By then, it is often too late to deal with the problem.

According to renowned author and clinical psychologist, Dr Judith Wallerstein, while married couples consider divorce an end to a problematic relationship, for children, it is the beginning of uncertainty.

The beginning of a life filled with questions like: Is my father ever coming back home? Will I ever see my friends again? Am I the reason my mum/dad is so unhappy? Am I going to live here always?

Dr Wallerstein found that children of divorce suffer depression, have learning difficulties, suffer many other psychological problems, and find it a lot harder than children from stable homes to form lasting relationships as adults.

Wallerstein conducted research on 131 children in the US born in the ‘70s when, according to statistics in Time magazine, there was a divorce boom.

Some adults, now in their mid-30s, displayed symptoms which, according to Wallerstein, confirmed her findings:

1. Only seven out of the 131 children surveyed reported stable marriages. The rest said they were having difficulties in their own relationships, and that the slightest conflict within their relationships sent them running.

2. Because they expect disaster – as they witnessed between their parents – children of divorced parents unwittingly re-create disaster in their own relationships or marriages.

3. They tend to look for love in strange places and often make terrible mistakes when choosing marriage partners. Wallerstein further found that children of divorce tend to marry later and yet divorce sooner than those from stable, two-parent homes.

In addition, they displayed an unhealthy skepticism for marriage as either fairy tale or nothing and tend to hold out for the perfect mate and when they think they have found him or her, they are often let down.

Signs that your divorce has adversely affected your child:

Regression: where a child tends to go back on developmental milestones such as picking up after him/herself, thumb-sucking or bed-wetting again after he had stopped.

1. Poor performance at school.

2. Withdrawal from the parent and others because the child feels rejected and unwanted by the parent and other people; counter this by reassuring the child that you still love her and the break was not her fault.

3. Conflict: a child who is accustomed to talking about Mum and Dad when conversing with others might not know what to say when all of a sudden, he has just one parent to talk about.

4. Some children develop a rebellious streak. Psychologists warn parents against reacting to this by beating, scolding or threatening a child and instead counter it by talking and explaining to the child why things are the way they are.

5. Loss of identity: Angorok says this is one of the many long-term consequences of unresolved emotional problems brought on by separation and divorce where a child was not involved.

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