As she arrives for our interview, Agnes* sits down and seems to be deep in thought. I ask her what’s bothering her and she simply shrugs her shoulders.
Further prodding gets her to reveal that she’s struggling to accept the kind of man Mathew*, her once robust and hardworking husband of 14 years has become.
In 1996 when they married, Mathew, a university graduate, had a contract job while Agnes, also a graduate was still job hunting. But being an aggressive woman, she soon got a job at one of the financial institutions in town as a systems administrator.
Five years into marriage, the pendulum of life started to change for the couple. Mathew’s contract jobs were no longer regular leaving him without work for long periods while Agnes had risen to be an IT manager. Mathew started thinking of starting a business to supplement whatever little he was earning from his job.
“In fact, because of the long periods without a job, he saw venturing into business as the only way out,” says Agnes.
Lost the drive
Today, while Mathew’s business ideas are yet to rake in the expected millions and improve his financial status, Agnes, on her part, is continuing up the career ladder and last year, she was promoted to her current position.
But the last three years have been a test for the marriage. Although Agnes is not worried so much about the two times she has given Mathew money to start him up in business, she is disappointed that he no longer seems to think of earning his own money. He somehow seems to have lost the drive.
“Since 2008, he sits in the house and I am the one who pays the rent, buys food and pays all the bills. He seems contented playing with our two-year-old child all day,” says Agnes.
Mathew’s predicament is replicated in many households. There are men who are comfortable taking the backseat immediately their wives’ salaries go up leaving her to pay the all the household bills.
But just why would a man choose to sit pretty while his wife toils to cater for the family’s needs? According to Agnes, her husband has adopted “a hands-off” approach when it comes to meeting the family’s needs.
“It is getting very frustrating for me. I am uneasy with a man who is comfortable sitting in the house,” says Agnes.
To her, it is not the lack of a job that worries her, but the reluctance of her husband get out there and find something to do. Expert explanations point to a psychosocial problem.
“There exists a faulty assumption that men are wired to provide for their families. In fact, this goes against history,” says Dr Jared Owino, a sociologist.
He says in the olden days, a man’s value came through his ability to protect his family. “Providing food and shelter has never been a male’s business and when he did so, it was to impress a woman, and not because he was obligated to do it,” notes Dr Owino.
This view is supported by John Gacheru, a counselling psychologist. “Most men who come to me complain of not being appreciated for all they do for their families. This is because they feel they are doing their wives or families a favour,” says Gacheru.
“Many men actually have to be forced to accept responsibility, otherwise, they would prefer to push the burden to their wives,” says Gacheru, of Amani Counselling Centre and Training Institute.
He elaborates that men think that by bringing the unga home, they are doing the family a favour, for which they should be immensely rewarded. The psychologist explains further by posing; Why do you think men allow bills to accumulate and then rush to pay them at the last minute?
“In an emergency, filled with adrenaline rush, men will dash to pay the bills to protect their families from auctioneers. When they emerge having solved a serious problem,, they feel heroic and thus fulfill their evolutionary purpose,” he explains.
There is a suggestion by sociologists that the developing society is putting too much pressure on men to be the primary provider. “That men should earn and women spend the money is a fairy modern social construct,” says Dr Owino.
“When circumstances change as they often do, and the woman earns more than the man, she sees expecting her to contribute to the family income as unfair and also as a favour to the husband,” explains Gacheru .
In such instances, when the woman begins to provide for the family (and take care of bills), the man retracts and allows her the unfettered chance to do so.
Sample the case of Gladys and her husband of 16 years who was working as a teacher when they got married. Gladys was jobless and for four years, she and their two children depended on the husband entirely for their livelihood.
But Gladys was business savvy and her husband took a loan to finance her start-up. In five years, she was importing clothes from Turkey and Dubai. She now rakes in a six digit income per month while her husband’s salary is still below Sh30,000.
This paradigm shift has strained the marriage to a point where a few months ago, Gladys sought a lawyer’s advice to end the marriage since “I am doing everything in the house and yet my husband does not appreciate this and instead is becoming abusive.”
According to Gladys’ lawyer, “The husband feels he has lost the woman because she has become ’too independent’. On the other hand, the wife feels her husband is no longer responsible for his family.”
A psychological explanation on “why men shun family responsibilities when their wives earn better salaries than them” aptly captures the dilemma such women. Men, today must live and compete in a highly mobile society characterised by a high cost of living.
According to Gacheru, the female resents this because she has been socialised to “ believe that she should always receive from a man rather than the other way round”.
“From an early age, girls are never prepared for a symmetrical role holding situation especially on making the final decision on how a family will be run. This results in role conflict and strain,” says Dr Owino.
He also sees a paradox in this scenario. “In modern times, women agitate to be treated as men’s equal but when it comes to providing for the family, they feel the role should be left to the man. If women want to be equal to men, this may be extended to running the affairs of the family,” notes the sociologist.
When a woman gains power (economic or otherwise), the pendulum tends to swing too wide to the extreme. Gacheru says women resort to both verbal and non-verbal communication to express disgust at the man’s failure to live up to his billing.
Gladys’ husband claims she no longer listens to his suggestions and every time there is a decision to be made, hers carries the day.
Gacheru explains, “ The woman’s feeling is that because the husband does not have the money to implement such decisions, then he does not also have the right to decide on them.”
This is exactly what happens in most households where men literary run their homes single-handedly simply because every coin spent passes through them, he says.
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