Divorce rate, domestic violence and cases of murder among Kenyan couples in the Diaspora, and especially those living in the United States, have reached alarming levels. The crisis cannot be ignored anymore. It is the big elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. Kenyans are silently asking many questions.
What is ailing the Diaspora couple? What has gone wrong and how can we fix it? Lately, cases of Kenyan men hitting their wives with blunt objects and often killing them have been prevalent. What is even more worrying is the fact that there are many similar incidents that go unreported.
The problem is so grave that the first lady, wife to the US ambassador in the US, Mrs. Aoko Odembo has offered herself to participate in any kind of forum, may it be Women’s Union, church or community meetings or otherwise, that are aimed at addressing this problem.
Diaspora Marriages are going through very tough times. The attacks on this institution have been so intense that we can no longer keep quiet! These attacks have intensified to the extent that many couples have ended up in separation or divorce, while some others languish in jails because of domestic issues. Others have even killed each other! This has destabilized the family unit that was once the pride of the African in the Diaspora.
Some of the issues couples find themselves struggling with are; finances, work schedules, church commitments, parenting and raising children, sex, roles, conflict resolution, culture, diversity, integration, and balancing family and work schedules, among others. As a consequence, the dysfunctional state of affairs in many Diaspora marriages has at times led to deadlocked relationships, with couples hanging in there just for the kids or because they are afraid of the social stigma that comes about with divorce and separation.
In an attempt to arrest this problem, this November, Kenyans in the Diaspora will be converging in Dallas, Texas for a conference that will seek to address issues related to the Kenyan Diaspora family unit. According to Isaac Kariuki of diasporamessager.com, who is a key organizer of the conference, Kenyan marriages in America are breaking up easily because they have ceased to be institutions ordained by God.
He has joined hands with three other organizers Dr. Joseph Njoroge, Bishop Armstrong Chege and Pastor Jackson Kingori. He states that in the current state of affairs, it seems that marriages are considered social contracts with individuals asking questions like “what will I gain if I marry her/him?” The expectations of both parties to the marriage are different when entering into marriage and soon or later, their differences overpower them and their will to stay together.
Dr. Lilian Odera, a clinical psychologist in Florida noted that one of the major factors contributing to this phenomenon is that African men and women in the Diaspora are very different in their way of thinking and that at some stage, their marriages cannot hold anymore due to these differences. As the Kenyan woman advances herself career-wise, she outpaces her man financially and socially.
Sooner or later, both find themselves on different economic levels, dealing with different environments and hanging around different people and the perspective of things that they once shared starts to disintegrate. While the woman moves up the ladder, the African man is usually left struggling trying to find his footing.
For instance, a good number of African men do not integrate into the system as well as the women do in the healthcare sector where most of the Kenyan women work, while the corporate world where men would fair well remains so competitive that only the boldest survive.
Another problem is the foreign phenomenon that both partners are equal. This is something foreign to the African culture. In this regard, the roles under the African culture are so well defined so that women are supposed to do certain things while men do certain things. In the new state of affairs, men are supposed to assist in household chores such as changing diapers, cooking, scrubbing the floors and the like. Some African men simply do not embrace this new world view!. Moreover, laws in the western countries favor women to the detriment of the men, which is the opposite of the laws and traditions in many African countries. The woman finds new confidence from the protection of the law and is not afraid to stand her ground, while the man feels helpless.
The current African women in the Diaspora is not treated the way women were traditionally treated. At the end of month, she is expected to put down her monetary contribution to the upkeep of the home. Half of the house rent would be waiting for her. In fact, the household bill is shared into two, and she knows that she is expected to live up to it. The man suddenly finds himself sharing responsibilities and bills in a half with the spouse who is working as hard, if not harder than him. He finds that his leadership role is questioned and eroded as the family becomes like a coalition government, with two centers of power.
Speaking to KEN recently, Dr. Joseph Njoroge said that there is need to find conflict resolution mechanisms as we address the core issue of why Diaspora marriages are falling apart. “We were in Dallas Texas for a marriage conference and after seeing the need that was there, Bishop Armstrong Chege of Kentucky , Pastor Jackson Kingori of Dallas and I thought that we should have a national conference to address this issue,” Said Dr Njoroge.
For now, the three have been able to bring together over 21 pastors from New York, New Jersey, Georgia, Maryland, Florida, Michagan and Texas among many other states. “In the conference, we intend to address marriage break-ups, stress management, and conflict resolution” noted Dr. Njoroge adding that “Counselors will be at hand in the conference to help with cases that will need immediate attention.”
The conference in Dallas Texas will attempt to address some of these issues and find a middle ground on how Kenyan couples
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