Given a second chance, three in every 10 people would not marry their current spouse again, a nationwide survey on the status of the institution of marriage in Kenya has revealed.
The survey, done by Infotrak for the Saturday Nation reveals that only 40 per cent of Kenyans are happily married, the rest are either unhappy or not sure how to describe their unions.
Some 29 per cent of married Kenyans admit their marriages are headed for the rocks, while 31 per cent say they are not certain whether they are in a happy or unhappy union.
More than a half of the respondents reported serious conflicts in their marriages at least once a month.
Love — that traditional bond that leads couples to the altar, has taken a backseat in many Kenyan marriages, its place usurped by money and children.
Only four in 10 married people said they were in it for love.
“Love comes last in marriage,” said a respondent in his 30s.
Six out of every 10 married Kenyans say the only bond keeping their marriage together are the children, while 45 per cent say they are hanging on because of the money and property.
And, in quite an interesting twist in marriage and separation trends, money and overly nosy in-laws have overtaken infidelity as the leading cause of broken marriages.
Extended family
Half of all married people who took part in the survey said money was the main cause of marital conflict, followed by interference from members of the extended family at 39 per cent.
And where the conflict ended in divorce and separation, 64 per cent of the respondents said they walked out because of money problems, compared to 56 per cent who said they walked out because of infidelity.
Both sides blame each other for the sorry state of their unions.
The majority of men, who are already divorced or separated, say nagging spouses drove them out of their marriages while 76 per cent say they walked out because their wives had become argumentative and disrespectful.
A majority of their female counterparts on the other hand say they walked out of their marriages because the men did not demonstrate enough commitment to the relationship.
Besides infidelity and money, the fight for equality is emerging as the “modern” cause of marriage breakdowns in Kenya, more so among women.
Half of the divorced or separated women say they opted out of their marriages because their spouses were not treating them as “equal” partners in the union.
Interviews with married couples revealed the shocking decadence of the marriage institution in Kenya, an institution that family lawyers say ought to form the foundation of the state.
In focus group discussions, married men and women spoke of a deep sense of insecurity, saying they were not so sure if they would remain happy for long in their marriages.
“If you are married, do not put too much of your effort in the marriage because it can disintegrate any time and break your heart in the process,” said a respondent in the survey.
The respondents agreed to participate in the survey as long as their names were not made public.
The survey categorised respondents into four groups: happily married women vis-à-vis unhappily married ones, and happily married men vis-à-vis unhappily married ones.
Marriage in this case was split into four: Civil, come-we-stay relationships, church and customary.
Most of the people interviewed said they were in a customary marriage, 26 per cent were wedded in church while 16 per cent were joined together though civil weddings.
A quarter of the respondents said they were involved in a come-we-stay relationship.
Interestingly, more come-we-stay marriages reported their unions as happy ones compared to all the other marriage categories, with 45 per cent of respondents in this loosely knit marriage reporting more happiness compared to their church wedded colleagues (43 per cent), civil wedded couples (42 per cent) and those in customary marriages (41 per cent).
The most unhappily married couples formalised their marriages through customary arrangements.
In group discussions during the survey, even the most happily married respondents reported serious challenges in their relationships, resulting in what one respondent described as a “cold war” situation.
“I put up a cold front… and give him short precise answers,” said one married female in Nairobi who said she was happily married.
With near-zero communication, a number of married couples now describe what they have as a loveless contract, one they must endure because of the children.
“I do not have much to do when it come to the love side of things. All I do is to provide for my family because it (his marriage) has become like a contract,” said one respondent.
And with love having flown out of the window in many marriages, the marital bed has lost much of its warmth — only 14 per cent of respondents said sex was the flame that still kept their marriages intact.
And although most of the respondents, both males and females, said they had some reservations about engaging in extra-marital affairs, a number said they would gladly take the plunge to restock the lost passion in their own loveless marriages.
“If she denies me my rights, then I will go where I can get gratification,” one respondent said.
Extra-marital
Interestingly, 11 per cent of women respondents said they would have no problem with their husbands acquiring a co-wife.
Both husbands and wives admit that polygamy already exists, albeit concealed in the form of extra-marital affairs commonly called “mpango wa kando.”
Some even feel such discreet relationships, to some extent, are not bad.
“If he can manage to keep his woman with the Sh10 that remains, and as long as I do not know of her existence,” said one respondent who said she is happily married.
Source: Daily Nation
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