The drastic rise in the frequency and intensity of spousal killings is alarming.
Flip through any local daily and you are more likely than not to come across a grisly instance of a domestic conflict that resulted in a violent killing.
The marriage phrase ‘till death do us part’ is becoming very real indeed.
As much as we want to believe in the concept of all relationships lasting forever or at least for as long as possible, truth is that not every relationship should be saved.
We acknowledge that terminating a relationship is no easy task with the guilt sometimes overpowering the one who is leaving and the rejection ego-shattering for the one who is left.
Experts are, however, of the opinion that when a couple has exhausted all their other options sometimes it is just best for everyone to let go.
According to Dr Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist and author, while these crimes of passion often occur on the spur of the moment and are hardly ever pre-meditated, a violent partner does not become violent overnight.
There are always signs that one will turn violent which are often overlooked, excused or denied.
Acknowledging these warning signs of possible violence can stop it before it results in tragic death.
Potentially violent individuals may be very good at camouflaging their true personalities but with time, these tendencies become more obvious.
Out of proportion anger
There is cause for alarm if your significant other displays anger that does not equal a deed or misdeed.
A minor wrongdoing will have them exploding in a fit of rage. You may have witnessed your significant other in this state of derangement and even if they didn’t hit you, you were afraid they seemed so out of control they could easily have done it.
Chances are that with time, this anger could be directed at you; one day they will hit you.
If you live in fear of your significant other – taking every care not to say or do something that will upset them lest they blow up, you could be in a potentially violent or abusive relationship.
Treatment of others
It is possible to tell a lot regarding a partner’s temperament by how they relate with others.
A person with a violent trait will tend to be violent towards those they consider poor, weak or ineffectual.
You should be concerned if your significant other acts cruelly towards animals or seems to derive some satisfaction from their suffering.
If a person gets violent with stationary objects it is a bad sign. He or she could break furniture, smash glassware or kick the car.
A change in personality
When a spouse who was previously personable abruptly becomes argumentative and ridicules you especially in the presence of other people, take this as a red flag.
He or she may even begin restricting what you can wear or who you can visit and for how long.
This is usually aimed at lowering your self-esteem.
While some women especially, may mistake this possessiveness as a sign of affection, it is usually an indication that they are fighting for superiority and total control and power over your life.
Once they get that power, they are highly likely to abuse it. Such a person has potential to become violent in the event of a misunderstanding.
You could try talking to your partner in a way they understand so that you work together in breaking the cycle.
Substance abuse
Statistics place substance abusers at about half of those who perpetrate these fatal attacks.
In more than half of the cases of spousal killings that the local media has highlighted these recent months, the attacker had been drinking alcohol.
Substances abused usually disinhibit an individual allowing him or her to act out emotions like anger towards their partner which they had previously held in check.
Substance addicts are thus at a high risk of becoming violent to their partners, more so if they experience dramatic mood changes when under the influence.
The good news for those in this situation is that with effort, a lot of will power and professional help, substance addiction is preventable and curable.
Threats of violence
A potentially violent intimate partner may threaten you with physical harm in a bid to control you.
If she or he threatens to commit suicide, kill you, the children, other people or pets, this should be taken seriously and the person considered extremely dangerous.
When a spouse violently murders his or her significant other, more often than not it turns out that they had threatened the same.
Healthy relationships do not involve threats and the occurrence of threats should be taken to mean that there is a problem.
Victims usually ignore such threats thinking that the perpetrators will not follow through but this often results in the loss of life.
Past violence
A partner who has been violent with an intimate partner in their past is highly likely to be violent with you.
This is especially so if he or she keeps implying that the other partner deserved it or brought it upon themselves.
If your significant other has a history of being violent to a person they were close with and has not sought help for the same then you have a reason to be worried about your safety.
Violent behaviour is not easy to weed. To counter it, it’s necessary that the violent partner undergoes long-term counselling and gets a desire to change.
Poor communication skills
Some people are able to easily express themselves while others find it an uphill task.
Potentially brutal and violent people have trouble discussing their feelings and prefer talking with their actions.
If your partner has difficulty expressing feelings such as anger or frustration, they may lash out with violence.
They may find it easier to work out what they see as problems with violence.
Dual personality
Most news of domestic killings bring with them shock – not because of the act itself – but because many are unable to connect the killer to the action.
Often, in the eyes of other people, the perpetrators come off as stable, happy and harmless individuals.
They appear to function well and sometimes it’s only their intimate partner that is aware of their brutal side which they keep under wraps.
If you are finding it difficult to reach out to others regarding your partner’s violent behaviour because you feel that they will doubt you or turn around and place the blame on you, your partner could have a double personality.
This means that they are not generally known in the community as violent persons and only become violent with their partners in their homes.
They experience periods of extreme highs and lows and have the ability to be very sweet one moment then brutally violent the next thus dangerous to be with.
A hurried commitment
When he or she gets very serious with you soon after meeting them, it ought to be a sign for alarm.
A potentially murderous spouse may say ‘I love you’ very early in the relationship.
He or she may pressure their partner for a sign of commitment like moving in together, an engagement or getting pregnant for them.
They usually come on very strong into the relationship, appear extremely charming and the men are overly smooth talkers – a façade under which they hide their violent trait.
Not only does this come across as a little odd it is also an indication that further down the line, should a misunderstanding occur in the relationship, this behaviour may turn into violence.
An abusive childhood
It surprises how the environment in which an individual grew up determines how they turn out later in life.
A person who grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship or was abused as a child has potential to turn into the killing kind.
That exposure to violent, antisocial behaviour may have led them to believe that violence is a normal behaviour and could bring hostile ideas to the person’s mind later in life.
If your significant other grew up in a violence-riddled environment, it is wise for them to undergo counselling so that they are able to set apart the present from the past.
The more severe the violence your partner experienced, the more the risk of them becoming violent with you.
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