That divorce rate is on the rise in Kenya is a fact. That marriage in Kenya has stopped being seen as a permanent lifetime commitment is also a fact.
The two facts might not be connected, but what is obvious is that the modern and more exposed Kenyan woman is demanding more from her man than just being the father figure and provider.
Aping the West may be one reason. Another possibility is that women, may have stopped caring about being frowned upon because of a failed marriage.
Whatever the reason, Kenya is witnessing a new crop of women who are willing to admit that they made a mistake with their first choice of husbands; these women are able to walk away from a bad marriage with their heads held high.
Those who walk away with bruised egos do so determined to find their footing once again and are open to the idea of walking down the aisle a second, third or fourth time round should the opportunity arise.
The argument is that, just because women find themselves single after a stint in marriage, they should not be made to suffer for the rest of their lives while their male counterparts go around sampling different women, searching for new potential marriage partners. Women who go through a divorce are no longer willing to end up as old, miserable spinsters.
When a man separates from with his wife, hardly anyone bats an eyelid when he gets involved with another woman even before the dust settles, after all, African men are believed to be traditionally polygamous, they could marry as many wives as they can afford.
Not so for the separated woman. When a woman gets into relationship for the second time, tongues wag non-stop, she is judged, she is labeled promiscuous, people approach her with suspicion – how could she get married again. No doubt, it takes a special kind of woman and a lot of guts to even contemplate getting married again.
Jackie, who requested that we use only one of her names because she wishes to remain anonymous to avoid antagonising her former in-laws and to protect her daughter, is one such woman. In her 30s, she first got married six years ago to a man she had dated for five years.
“I loved him, or thought I did. Everybody else seemed to find faults in him, but I was so blinded by the whole idea of love that I could not see he was the wrong man for me. I kept accusing my friends of hating on our relationship, but deep down, I knew they had a point. He did not respect me, he dated other women openly, yet I was ready to close my eyes to all that to keep my man.”
Coward
“On our wedding day, I cried non-stop – not because I was so happy to tie the knot, but on that day, of all days, it finally hit me that I was making the biggest mistake in my life. Instead of being the happiest day of my life, I was so sad. If I was stronger then, I would have stopped the priest from declaring us man and wife, but I was a coward, and I still wanted to give the relationship one last shot.
Six years I had known him, dated him for five and married him for close to one, and we had a beautiful daughter together. Even after marriage, he did not change his wayward lifestyle, in fact, it got worse. He was not apologetic for dogging me, abused me both physically and emotionally. He made lose my self-esteem to the extent that I believed I could not survive without him, that no other man could want me.”
So how did she finally escape?
“We used to live in a neighbouring country, and I cannot really recall what triggered my turning point, but his continued mistreatment finally became too much for me to bear – one day I woke up determined to escape this bondage.
As soon as he left for work, I packed my daughters clothes and mine and boarded the first bus to Nairobi. I did not even say goodbye to my friends, afraid they might convince me to change my mind, although I know they would have been happy that I finally had the courage to leave the man. To cut a long story short, I have never looked back.”
Determined never to let another man take her through such hell, Jackie slowly gathered her bruised self together, got a job, and filed for divorce. It takes a minimum of three years in Kenya for a divorce to be finalised, and it that time, although she dated occasionally, she shied away from serious relationships.
“A few months after my divorce went through, a friend coaxed me to go out with her, and I can only thank God that I did. That night, I met the love of my life. We dated for a year and today, I am in total bliss as we are recently wedded and I have never felt so right and so happy.”
Jackie is aware she raised a few eyebrows, especially since in both cases she had ‘big’ weddings. In fact, she believes some people who attended her second wedding were judgmental of her.
“I have been through so much in my life, such matters are trivial. People will get over it. Besides, I get courage from my family and friends, and very important too, my new in-laws, all who know the details of my past. There was no way I was going to let the love of my life who also loves my daughter slip through my fingers because of what other people will say.”
Does Jackie’s ex-husband know about her new marriage?
“He probably does – we had many mutual friends, but he is still in the neighboring country and married to another woman; he would have no moral authority to question my decision but knowing him, he is probably seething bile, but he will get over it as well.”
Wanting to hear the other side of the story, I spoke to Mwangi, a divorced father of three who, eight years after his divorce, is still single, but whose ex-wife re-married two years ago.
“My ex- wife and I got married when we were both very young. Soon after the initial sparks died away, we were constantly on each other’s throats. We had daily verbal fights, especially when I started suspecting she was cheating on me. She turned me into this monster of a person I did not like. I hit her twice – something I am not proud of. Without wanting to sound like I am excusing my behaviour, she had simply pushed me to the edge once too many times.”
Wife basher
When Mwangi hit his wife the second time, he knew it was time to call it quits. “I hated the idea of being known as a wife basher, so I filed for divorce. All I wanted was custody of the children, which I got.”
Despite the split, Mwangi and his ex-wife have remained good friends. “She was not a bad person, and I do not think I am a bad person, we were just wrong for each other, and we brought out the worst in each other – we should never have got married in the first place, but that sounds like crying over spilt milk.”
Over the years, and with what Mwangi refers to as growing up, they started talking, and presently they consider each other as friends. Two years ago, his wife remarried.
“I gave her my blessings – I mean, it is not like I wanted her back, and she is still very young and beautiful. If she finds happiness with someone else, good for her.”
Did he not feel uneasy about the situation?
“I did, but only a little. I suppose when you share so much with somebody, whether negative or positive, like the two of us did and still do because of the children, a part of you feels like you own a part of them, but you have to look at such situations with a sober mind.
If I find somebody I love enough to marry, I would not hesitate; so why would I expect her to pass such a chance. She seems very happy in her marriage, I am happy to let her have the children once in a while, and the children love their new sister.”
What did his family think about the situation. “A few have tried to discuss her behaviour with me, but I refuse to do so. It is her life, and as long as whatever she does will not embarrass or hurt our children, she could do whatever she wants with it.”
Sober mind
Benjaline Akeng’a, a marriage counselor with Family Transformation Ministries, is of the opinion that nobody makes a mistake in marriage as the decision to get married is made by two people of sober mind.
“If the decision to get married was made with a sober mind, couples should be careful about having unrealistic expectations of each other, learn how to deal with unfulfilled expectations, and most importantly learn how to resolve conflicts.
Once couples learn to do this, they should then learn to forgive each other. Nobody is perfect, the second marriage partner will have faults too, but would they go ahead and divorce them too?” Akeng’a asserts that people should think very carefully before getting married to avoid marrying for the wrong reasons.
“Of course there will always be people who get divorced, and for those ones especially, it is very important to reflect on what went wrong in the first marriage otherwise, the same cycle will be repeated.
Source: Daily Nation
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