Resentment in marriage

‘Marriage is the only place in the world where enemies sleep in the same bed’. When I first heard this statement, I couldn’t help but marvel at just how true this is.

It’s not hard to imagine considering the number of people today who get married for all the wrong reasons – women for security and social status and men, as one writer put it, for sex, children and food.

The problem with these kinds of ‘out-of-convenience’ marriages is that when the honeymoon is over, all hell breaks loose and the married couple can no longer stand each other.

But other than getting married for all the wrong reasons, there is a legion of other reasons that may cause resentment and hatred to fester between otherwise happily married couples. Some of them include:

Giving up your dreams for marriage

Some people – women especially- give up their dreams and careers for a life of motherhood and housekeeping. This is so especially when an ambitious woman meets a man who wants a submissive housewife.

Giving up your life for someone else may seem romantic until thoughts of what you could have been if you hadn’t gotten married start haunting you.

On the other hand, if you are the reason why your partner is giving up his/her dreams, ask yourself this question.

Do you want to be the person that comes to mind when your partner thinks of how much they have failed in life? Because if you are, your partner sure will one day hate you for it.

Not listening to each other

Listening to your partner is much more than just hearing what they say, it includes acting upon what you hear. Couples with different personalities always suffer the most from this problem.

An introverted husband may, for example, be feeling unheard while his extroverted wife is wondering why her husband does not express himself.

Due to a lack of communication, resentment tends to fester in such a couple. If such is the case, it helps to try and understand your partner’s personality and how they communicate their feelings.

Competing with each other

Two cannot live together in harmony when they are having a power struggle. A writer once said that, for a marriage to work, a man must surrender his balls to his wife, and a wife must learn when to shut up.

What this means is that marriage is about swallowing your pride. Instead of trying to prove who is the boss, treat each other as equals, ask each other’s opinions and  involve each other in decision-making.

Not only will this save you from making mistakes where your partner could have helped but letting your partner feel that their opinion matters will also get rid of any form of competition.

Taking each other for granted

Your partner will resent you if he/she feels taken for granted. Are you always comparing your husband to other people and complaining about what he does not do?

Are you the kind of man who does not feel the need to show some appreciation after your wife has spent hours preparing your favourite meal? Well, you could be making your partner feel taken for granted.

The result is, instead of trying harder to please you; your partner may stop trying altogether.

Infidelity

Ever heard of the 80/20 rule? This rule states that your partner can only give you 80 per cent of what you seek in a relationship.

But then there is always someone out there ready and willing to offer you the remaining 20 per cent and most people lose the 80 per cent chasing this 20per cent.

Forgiveness is not absolution – while your partner may forgive your infidelities, they will never forget. So, before you get tempted by the 20 per cent, think about it, because your partner will always hate you for it.

njokikaigai@hotmail.com