Teenagehood is a stage marked by physical and emotional turmoil, which parents should learn to handle tactfully. Photos/PHOTOS.COM
By MILLICENT OJIAMBO Many parents watch theit children reach teenagehood with apprehension. Suddenly, the child develops a zest for life, resists parental control, begins dressing like certain TV idols, hangs out with certain crowds, talks — and sometimes even walks — in a certain manner, and worst of all, develops an interest in members the opposite sex.
Teenagehood comes with many physical and psychological changes as the child makes a transition from childhood to adulthood, and experiences hitherto unfelt emotions. He/she suffers a serious identity crisis and emotional instability as he/she tries to resolve his/her inner turmoil.
This is the stage where infatuation or puppy love manifests itself. Because the child experiences a strong desire to love and to be loved, he/she is vulnerable and cannot resist temptation when a prince charming or beautiful damsel comes along.
Many parents’ first reaction to puppy love is to forbid their child from getting near his/her object of affection or interacting freely with the opposite sex.
The teenager’s confession of love only earns him/her a tongue lashing, and sometimes even disciplinary measures. The parent(s) offers no guidance or explanation as to why it is not advisable get involved in serious romance at that stage.
In school, the teachers are no better. They humiliate the child by reading his/or her love messages out loud to his colleagues, and thereafter punishing the child, believing that this acts as a deterrent.
But what are the psychological effects of such treatment?
Puppy love is a part of growing up, and if their parents or guardians do not handle a teenager properly, he/she is likely to be scarred for life. When adults demonize or make fun of their child’s romantic feelings, they hurt the child and destroy his/her self worth.
Confused
The child becomes confused because, on the one hand are these strong emotions which he/she feels unable to control, while on the other are adults vilifying him/her for having romantic feelings.
If this emotional conflict is not resolved, the child is likely to grow into a maladjusted adult incapable of forming lasting and satisfying relationships with the opposite sex.
It is unrealistic to expect a teenager to switch off his or her romantic feelings because his/her parents forbid it. So most teenagers end up turning to those they find more understanding.
But often, these are their peers, who are equally clueless. If the object of affection reciprocates, the result is a clandestine relationship, which might end well or tragically, depending on how principled the child is, and how desperate he/she is for love.
Girls are especially vulnerable at this stage. It is a widely believed that boys give love to get sex while girls give sex to get love. Thus a smooth-talking boy can easily convince a girl to have sex with him if she is not receiving the love and attention she needs at home.
Many parents have no idea what their teenage daughters are up to until they are suddenly confronted with the harsh reality of a pregnancy and a broken heart.
Parents need to understand their teens’ romantic feelings and offer proper guidance.
The child needs to be taught to differentiate between puppy love and the real thing, how to behave around members of the opposite sex, the prudence of group dating as opposed to romantic dates for two, the advantages of abstinence over sexual activity at that age, suitable places to go to, activities they can involve themselves in, what they can drink, the movies they can see, etc.
With proper parental guidance, a teenager will learn how to maintain his/her self respect with the opposite sex and is likely to make a smooth transition from childhood to adulthood.
However, many parents do not know how to do this tactfully. They order the child around, demanding that he/she open up to them, only for them to ridicule the youngster, show intolerance and make snap judgements.
It is not surprising, therefore, that many adolescents prefer to keep their romantic feelings secret.
Understanding
Some confide in other grown-ups they perceive as more understanding. So don’t be surprised if your child confides in her best friend’s mother and not you.
When this happens, you demand that she open up to you because deep down you are scared, hurt, and disappointed because she has chosen a stranger over you.
You worry that you might be losing her so you desperately try to hold on in the only way you know – by controlling her. But teenagers don’t welcome domineering parents, and chances are that she won’t open up to you. In fact, you are likely to alienate her even further.
The only way to get your child to open up to you is to cultivate friendship with the them, and this can only be achieved through patience and understanding. A child will only open up if he/she feels understood.
Many parent-teenager conflicts are caused by internal emotional turmoil in the child, which the parent refuses to acknowledge.
Some parents claim that they never underwent any emotional turmoil during adolescence.
What they fail to acknowledge is that many of them got married at an age in their early teens, when they were just discovering themselves, so they had no opportunity to truly experience adolescence.
But things have changed, and children cannot simply switch from childhood to married life. Besides, the law makes it illegal for them to marry until they are 18. But while adulthood has been postponed, romantic feelings still set in with teenagehood.
So if you are a parent of a teenager, talk to your child today without judging or interrogating them, perhaps even bringing up your experiences as a teenager.
You will find that as you reach out to your child, he/she will reciprocate. Don’t don’t ignore the child because you cannot understand him/her. Be a parent and a friend. Later, you’ll thank yourself for it.
living@nation.co.ke
Comments