•Consciously or unconsciously, there are things men tell women which offend them greatly. Just what should men watch their tongues on?
“Watch your tongue” is a common phrase used to advise people against uttering statements carelessly. This is because one may not be quite prepared for the repercussions that may follow.
In my interviews with counsellors, they always say that one major point of departure between men and women is the fact that the latter never forget any wrongdoing men commit against them—although they will say they have forgiven them, you can be sure than a woman never forgets any wrongdoing against her.
Isn’t it common for women to drop a line such as, “ remember you did the same thing on…….!” or you get a chronology of what you have done in the past – sometimes going back as far as 10 years.
There are things you tell a woman, and no matter how much she says she has forgiven you, it will remain at the back of her mind to be used against you much later.
Others, are just statements that will annoy them. Below are some of the more common comments that irk women:
Can you wear more make-up?
We are living in an age where a woman will say that she wants to look good for her own personal reasons, that she is not dressing up for anybody but herself. But this is normally not true. Otherwise why would women get so excited when they are complimented for how they look?
One of the main ways for a man to deflate a woman’s self-esteem is for him to imply that she does not look good, and that he would appreciate it if she used “more make- up” if at all she expects to earn your complements.
According to Karin Anderson, a professor of psychology at Concordia University, Chicago in a website she moderates on women, “a woman presents herself according to what she defines as meaningful to her”.
“If she’s presenting herself as anyone other than who she really is, then it amounts to false advertising and that’s going to backfire,” she says.
‘I’m not even the father’
This one particularly affects women who get married when they already have a child from an earlier relationship. You marry a woman with a child and promise to be a true father to the child, alongside the ones you get with her.
Once you agree to this arrangement, never discriminate against such a child and make it clear to the mother that you are not even the father (for her to expect you to bear any obligations to the child). She will start treating your other children as yours alone and not yours as a couple.
Such comments will only push her start thinking of how she can protect her child from you, of course at the expense your other children.
“It is from your family”
Men normally have a habit of passing the buck when things go wrong. They never want to admit they could be the source of any weakness. It could be an academically challenged child, an endless cycle of poverty and misfortunes or a chronic illness.
Never attribute such things to your wife or her background. Something like, “ No one in my family has ever scored a D (Grade D); there is nobody in our family with this kind of sickness; or had it not been for your mother, I would be financially better off .
According to Margaret Maigua, a psychologist in Nairobi, this kind of comment only end up lowering a woman’s self-esteem. She will immediately think that you do not appreciate and respect her and her family.
I’m tired of your…..
This is related to the above statement. You may have suffered a lot of tribulations with your wife over issues related to her but never tell her you are tired of it all.
When a woman decides to get married to you, she starts to see you as her soulmate and someone to protect her and part of this protection includes showing her love even when she is at her lowest.
When you give up on her, you lose a crucial role in her life.
“She tends to feel miserable that she has caused you all this heartache. This could aggravate her situation if she learns that you no longer care,” says Maigua and adds, “You must always show your woman hope and support in the face of adversity.”
You are a prostitute
Any suggestion that you see your woman as a slut is a sure way of showing her that you think of her as someone with no integrity. A well-known musician has dedicated a whole song on how a woman committed suicide when she was called a prostitute by her husband, the only man she knew all her life.
Why aren’t you married yet?
Unless a woman volunteers to explain her marital status to you, don’t prod her over it. If you learn that she is still single, do not ask her why. She may not have the answer to that question and by asking her this question, you risk coming across as suggesting to her that she is not complete.
You do not want to remind her of the many disappointments she may have been handed by men along the way.
According to Excelle, a website for career-minded women, many women are apathetic to the suggestion that they can only enjoy life and success if they have a man in their lives.
You are too this or you are not enough that
Excelle further says many women are affected by a feeling of inadequacy of whatever kind. The reverse is all true. They also loathe excess of anything. Aren’t we seeing women going all crazy about diets and exercise in a bid to reduce weight?
When you meet a woman who has gained weight, please keep any comments about this to yourself Any suggestion that she looks more cylindrical than a few months ago does more harm to her self-esteem if you kept quiet on that matter.
Are you going to eat all that?
Women are not supposed to “over-eat”, all in the name of being careful about their weight. That is why many first dates are “a complete waste of expensive food”. So never show a woman that you think she is gluttonous.
Writing in hubPages, Isabella Snow says this is the best way to kill a woman’s appetite. She is not likely to enjoy the meal after this, whatever it is.
Is it that time of the month?
On this, Excelle is blatant, “Unless she is holding a box of tampons when you ask, don’t touch that subject. Women hate to have their behaviour explained. They want to be shown what they are doing is justified and they are conscious of how they are behaving.
Many women also hate to be seen as if they can’t manage their reproductive issues. Such a comment from a man is, to say the least, condescending because it attempts to explain a woman’s actions or reactions through her menstrual cycle.
And for the men….
Men are egoistic and most of them believe that they are superior to women. With this in mind, check out for these No- nos
Can’t you be like so-and- so?
Never compare your man to other men. Do not show him that you think he is sitting on his laurels and should do more like so-and- so’s husband .
It is very demeaning for a man to feel as if he is less of a man, especially when you seem to have an idea about what kind of man he should be.
Some men may (rightly or wrongly) interpret it to mean you know more about this other man than what you are saying.
I haven’t felt you
This is a bedroom matter. Going on and on or discussing with your friends how your man has failed to satisfy is something no man will appreciate. It is alright to help him do “a better job” but be careful how you handle the whole issue. Some men easily turn off and think you are questioning their maleness . Know how to be subtle when making a point on the need to make your sex life more satisfying to both of you.
A child with you? No way!
A survey conducted last year in Kenya revealed that; most men marry to get children. Any hint that you are not ready to have a child with him is enough censure. Never let him know you regard him so lowly that you cannot imagine him being a father to your child.
You think you are the father?
Almost related to the above is the insinuation that your man is not then real father of any of your children. A tale is told of women who seek “a better seed” outside their matrimonial bed. Avoid a situation that will make him question the real paternity of your children. For sure, this is the worst blow a woman can deal the man in her life.
Who is fairer?
Never put your man in an awkward situation by asking who between you and another woman is more beautiful or better endowed with whatever credentials. Of course, you do not expect him to choose the other woman although you may not compare with her. An answer that does not favour you could be the beginning of your problems.
I will do what I want
Men derive a lot of pride in being consulted. If you have completely differed on opinion, be creative and try to win him to your side. Being defiant is a blow to his authority and pricks his ego.
This scenario usually plays out where the woman is earning more than her man or where her family is better off than his? The woman will then get arrogant and rude to her husband. For peace in the relationship, seek your man’s opinion whenever a major issue has to be tackled even if she is the one footing the bill.
Shut up !
It is a fact that women outdo men when it comes to talking. But that does not mean men don’t like talking and being listened to. Never order a man to shut up, especially in the company of other men.
Writing in Associated Content in April last year, Mark Gu aptly captured this, “We are not the more vocal but we do like to talk every once in a while. On some days, we want to sit in silence and concentrate on what we are doing. On others, we feel like talking up a storm. When you sense a storm approaching, kindly sit back and let us take control of the conversation
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