Kenyans perfect celebrity craze within 10 years

Some of the Kenyan musicians who have dominated the local scene. From left: Jua Cali, Eric Wainaina and Wahu. Photo/FILE

It is almost difficult to go back to the times when Genge was not a genre and Kapuka was a foreign word. We are in Cellebville, the home of celebrities, but we like to just call them ‘celebs’. They are sharp like a razor but they haven’t been like that all along.

The highest rated artiste in Kenya today, Nameless (he does have a name, but we shall stick to celebspeak, gitch?), remembers the days gone by with a stiff smile: “Unakumbuka Mega Rider?” he asks.

That was his biggest hit back in 2002. Some radio stations played it, others binned it. Small wonder he won a double MTV award for Sunshine, that blast of a hit featuring Habida, this year. He is also all over endorsing several products and living large.

His wife, fellow musician Wahu who last year bagged a MAMA for her Sweet Love, has been in the industry for 10 years, hogging the glitter and all. Although the mama is yet to release an album (really? Wahu? After 10 years?), she is still a celeb whichever way you look at her, and her mellow voice has done the industry great wonders.

In 2000, before Pulse and Buzz were born, Gidi Gidi Maji Maji, under the watchful eye of the iconic Tedd Josiah, produced an album that carried the hit song Unbwogable. It was neither a war nor peace song. It was never meant to be political either. But when 2002 came and some politicians carried that song to rallies, Gidi and Maji became instant celebs, and we dare say that the two helped Narc win the elections that year.

Today Gidi is a respected UN ambassador of peace and a radio host, while Maji runs his own recording studio. However, nothing makes or breaks a celeb than a well-timed scandal. Paris Hilton knows this very well, and Kenyan celebs know it too. Remember Mercy Myra? Yes? Ok, maybe. She made headlines regularly because she chose to wear belts in the name of skirts, and where the skirts were a cut too long, the exaggerated slit showed way too much.

Her love whisked her away to the US, where she is currently based, but she, every now and then, flies home for that occasional jig (as she did in 2005 at Nameless’ and Wahu’s wedding, where she belted out a soft number draped in an elegant African outfit … but only from an angle!).

Solo crusade

The decade’s other drama king was Poxi Presha (God rest his soul). Better known for his big mouth than his music — even though his remix of Gabriel Omollo’s Lunch Time was catchy — Poxi captured our attention by wearing all the wrong colours and getting jailed because he wanted musicians to be respected.

His solo crusade, however, wasn’t in vain for, a few years after he left us for the kingdom yonder, the Music Copyright Society of Kenya was born, ushering the industry into the 21st Century. And now, from rights crusades to the kinky and sexy, both of which also reside in Celebville.

Four years ago, radio host and actress Nini Wacera attended a party in her lingerie — only — and locked lips with fellow radio host Valentine Njoroge. The two set a new bar for, a few months later, radio queen Cess Mutungi also locked lips with Maina Kageni, but the two later explained that it was only a friendly move.

It is only celebrities who get away with yoyo dieting. Posh must have perfected the art, but no one knows that better than beauty queens do. Miss Kenya has been with us since independence, but this decade has seen most of the crown bearers fade in to oblivion. Yolanda Masinde, Miss Kenya 2000, piled on the pounds and decided being a kindergarten teacher would offer her more joy.

Daniella Kimaru, Mary-Anne Kariuki, Cecilia Mwangi and Juliet Atieno all cannot fit into the swimsuits they wore for their pageants. Why? They all embraced junk, as did Bad Boy Nonini. In 10 years, Nonini has moved from a skinny geek to a Godfather. Jua Cali is spotting a beer belly. Big Ted and Big Kev weigh twice what they did in 2000.

Three years ago, Med C went into a crush diet and unveiled a super sexy her. Afro-fusion artiste Atemi Oyungu even confessed to have taken diet pills to remain slim, today she has ballooned to a plus-size after she decided to keep it natural.

Those who work hard, like Redsan, unleash a body to die for, because Cellebville is not very forgiving when you do not look great. On the divine side, the emergence of gospel musicians this decade did not come as a surprise, but it brought with it a different swag to Cellebville.

Neema Ntalel was the first to dazzle everyone, winning a Kora and all, and was followed closely by beautiful boy DNG. Several months later, DNG was caught pinting, having crept back to the abyss. As for Neema, well, her belly soon started showing signs that she was in the motherly way, and it was not long before the evidence was there, all shapely and rounded, for all to behold. Weeks later, she miscarried.

Celeb culture is all about swag and shillings. Some people have it, some just don’t. The past 10 years have seen DJs move from single, uncoordinated individuals to mega units competing for corporate space. Actors have moved from simple whiners at the Kenya National Theatre to produce award winning sitcoms.

Sauti Sol may be the new kids on the block, but it is Eric Wainaina, Achieng’ Abura and Abbi who had guts to start a band and say they were Afro-Fusion artistes. Maybe rap will take over, what with Juliani at the helm. Maybe in another 10 years we shall all just nod to Ohangla and Ken Wa Maria. Who knows!

aodera@nation.co.ke