By Tony Karanja in Dallas, TX
Jambonewspot.com
If Tom Mboya was to wake up from the dead today, what would be his feelings about how Kenyans are faring in the Diaspora? Would he break into a gigantic smile smothered with pride or would he be dumbfounded by the mixed results of his hard work to give Kenyans better opportunities abroad. After all, this gallant son of Kenya is credited with seeking support for a scholarship program that would send Kenyan students to US colleges. He turned to then-senator J.F. Kennedy for assistance. Kennedy, who chaired the senate subcommittee on Africa, arranged a $100,000 grant through his family’s foundation to help Mboya keep the program running. We all know that one of the most notable results of the first airlift of African students is the US President Barack Obama. Barack Obama senior was one of the first students to be airlifted to the US and Barack Obama Jnr was brought forth in 1961. This fact would have Tom Mboya beaming with pride. Kenyans have produced highly successful individuals who have benefited from opportunities offered overseas and have made huge developments in ploughing resources back home. Tom Mboya would be glad he helped. He would be glad he helped in opening this door to the American dream. This is all noteworthy when looking at one side of the coin but we all know there exists another side.
American Dream or the American nightmare?
Tom Mboya demonstrated that he was all about helping people-the Kenyan people. What would he think if he saw the other side of the coin? For his sake, he is okay wherever he is. In the recent past we have had numerous spates of heartbreaking and tragic stories involving our Kenyan brother and sisters. The spirit of helping and rendering support is being dealt a death blow. Kenyans eat Kenyans in episodes worth being sent to the big screens. Families are not what they used to be as they take to the American way. The American dream for our fellow Kenyans is being turned into the American nightmare by those whom we love and trust.
Helping becoming suicidal?
Countrymen, since when did helping turn suicidal? Since when did upholding the trust of our loved ones become un-classy? Let me get down to cases and points. A Kenyan couple gets married with the promise of “till death do us part.” The couple makes a vow to help in developing each other. The wife decides to advance her career by taking extra courses “to make the family’s life better.” The husband accepts and vows to support the wife in her advancement. The husband now has to adjust his lifestyle as well as having to take up additional working hours to fill in the gap left by the loss of income by his partner. So far so good. The scenario is not unique and it is repeated all across the Diaspora and more so in the US. All seems rosy and graduation day approaches. Yoo-hooo!..his wife is done with school and life is now certainly looking up….or is it?. Let’s cut the chase. That last line is sometimes hard to come by. Don’t get me wrong for I know for a fact that a small percentage live up to the hype. How many times has it reached this point and the wife walks way after graduation? How many times have we seen men have to use up all their savings as they “invest” in their partner’s development? How many times have we seen men stripped down to the bare indignity of having to start afresh as his “wife” walks into the arms of a more learned man? Some of us had to watch friends wilt away under the humiliation and devastation after being dealt the hand of wickedness and selfishness. I know you all know this and frankly it is disturbing. If this is not a fragrant abuse of trust, then I don’t know what is. If one knows they are not interested in someone, why not walk away instead of using them? What happened to eating from the fruits of your labor? Oh..sorry. I forgot we are in America and we ride on the nearest horse. Am I the only one who thinks this is going to make it difficult for men to trust women to stay after they help them with school fees? Who is to say they might not turn to the common clause used under companies’ tuition reimbursement which states, “you are required to stay with the company for x years after completion of your studies”? Let’s face it, folks. Many men shudder at the thought of footing their wives’ school bills as for some; it has become a suicidal mission. This has turned men into wrecks and shells of their former selves. Others have gone as far as threatening to commit suicide after being subjected to this indignity while others have seen their health spiral downwards to the point of hanging for dear life. Other known scenarios are cases where the jilted husband turns on the woman and the new horse. Such are the fruits of atrocities committed on our very own. Now, let me clear; this does not mean that all these walk-offs after graduations are unwarranted. Some are 100% justified. If a man treats a woman badly when she is a full time student just because there is nowhere for her to turn, then he deserves what is coming to him. If a man treats his spouse as a welfare case just because he is providing fully for her when she is in school; woe unto him. Truth be told, some women complain about their spouses treating them with disrespect just because they have no income and have to depend on them wholly. Some would go beyond the realms of reasonableness. “He really treated me like crap when I was studying for my RN classes,” one lady told this reporter during the compilation of this report. “He would flirt openly when we go out and would dare me to walk away. He knew I had no where to go,” she continued. In response to a question posed by this reporter who wanted to know why she continued to stay on while knowing all along she couldn’t tolerate the boyfriend’s behavior, she said, “If you were in my situation, what would you have done? I did not have a job, no income, no other place to stay and so I did what I had to do—ride it out.” I so wonder what Tom Mboya would say for I assume he thought we would carry on the same spirit of helping our fellow countrymen as he did.
“We the Men”
Before we dig deeper, the above might seem as heaping on the ladies but I can assure you, this is far from the truth. Every coin has two sides so let’s flip it. While men go through these unfortunate scenarios, I would be hypocritical to pretend that the fault is entirely the woman’s. Absolutely not! See, the phrase-“birds of a feather flock together”- was derived for a reason. It makes absolutely no sense for a husband or boyfriend to educate a woman but does not devote the same amount of effort to advancing himself. It is my firm belief that if you are going to urge or help your significant other to advance academically, you owe yourself the same advancement. I gleefully scoff at the idea that you can help your partner so that your family can be better off on account of her earning more and getting a better job while you remain stagnated. That is a fantasy. I dare you to prove to me that a male spouse who is a CNA is going to help his female companion to become an RN and life continues normally. I want you to challenge the fact that it is impractical for a husband who is an Accounts Clerk to help his wife to become a Certified Public Accountant while you were seated there watching her and cheering her on. She is most definitely going to frown at you and your lack of progression. Don’t be under the illusion that she will not be expecting you to take the same steps as she did although this time around you might have to still pay your way through the courses. It is a different story when you work out a deal where one of you goes through school first and once they are done, the other one can then pursue his coursework. The problem arises if no attempt is made after one partner is done and there is an expectation that one will cushion the family against financial hardship. These arrangements are certainly the way to go and this is not the bone of contention. Once one partner is done, the other one should be prepared to hit their stride too. I quote a friend who said to me, “You have to have your big dog shoes if you want to roll with the big dogs.” I understand that the man is always deemed as the head of the household but don’t assume for one moment that your woman is going to derive the same sense of security from you when you are at the bottom of her ladder as she would if you were at par or a few steps better that her. Let’s not go there because we all know… she will be tempted to leave for a “more aggressive” person.
The future is redeemable
All in all dear Kenyans, not all is lost. There are definitely good honest Kenyan men and women and that fact is undeniable. What we can’t deny is the erosion of trust amongst our people is sky rocketing. Some of the erosion is justifiable while part of it is out of pure paranoia. Every woman will have a myriad of accusations against Kenyan men in the Diaspora and on the other hand, Kenyan men will return the favor. We cannot be discouraged by the above mentioned examples or incidents but rather we must learn from them and see where the remedy lies. Maybe we can learn to talk to each other more to express our concerns instead of waiting to deliver the punitive blow. If you feel like your man is turning into a couch potato while you bring in more income at home, say something for a wise man will listen. Maybe on the other hand, we men can shed their macho attitude and learn to express our worries and concerns in the hope of working together in unison to make things right. Remember that the sign of a good talker is his or her ability to be a good listener. Let’s outstretch our hands as we go up the ladder so that our partners can join us up there too. Best friends learn to lovingly critical but warm in embrace. Let’s not change the vows from “Till death do us part” to “Till graduation do us part”. Come on, make Tom Mboya proud. Let’s not make helping a suicidal mission for we are each others best friends.
You can also contact this writer at tgkaranja@gmail.com.
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