Is your partner man enough?

Pastor David Muriithi and his wife Pastor Ronica Muriithi with their children Esther Wanja and Paul Munyaka.

The call by women for the men around them to man-up is growing louder by the day. Women say that the pool of men who can rise up to the role of a man is slowly diminishing and want men to reclaim their masculinity.

Every woman has a clear picture of what the man she commits her life to should be. For most of the women we spoke to, the mark of a good husband boils down to four things – He must be a leader, mentor, provider, and protector.

This is the kind of man women dream of settling down with to build a happy home. But years down the line, many women feel short-changed and wonder whether their husbands learnt all the vital skills that come with the role of being a husband and father.

It appears that the man on the wedding package did not translate into the kind of husband they had expected.

Women who were interviewed by the Saturday Magazine told us what they expect the men to do before they can be declared man-enough.

Most of them criticised what they termed as hit-and-run fathers who willingly donate sperm but with no intention of raising their offspring.

They also censured men who keep their wives and children at arm’s length, preferring to spend most of their time hanging out with their football or drinking buddies.

In addition, the women complained that they were tired of filing child support cases in the Courts and want men to provide for their children without being compelled to do so by a court order.

When Dorcas Njenga got married 18 years ago, she thought she knew what she was getting in to. She had observed how her own dad behaved and expected her husband to follow the same pattern of being the sole provider.

But she says that today, many men are living below their expected responsibilities.

“A man will make you pregnant and that is the last you will see of him. Many fathers do not take responsibility for their children even when they are married, and it is not because they cannot afford it,” she says.

Dorcas says that it is time women stopped mollycoddling men to the point where they no longer think it is their responsibility to look after their families. As long as the wives act like they can run the show on their own, the men are happy to leave it all to them.

“We have given men too much leeway by trying to be super women and trying to do it all in the home. I believe women need to demand that their husbands live up to their roles,” she says.

Some men agree with the observations, while others claim that a few rotten fish are spoiling the image of men and that they should not be blamed wholesale.

Allan Njenga, 24, agrees that his peers are somewhat irresponsible.

“Many of my agemates live like there is no tomorrow. I know of people who spend their whole salary drinking and have to depend on soft loans from friends to keep up with the party lifestyle until the next end of month. They are so used to that lifestyle I don’t think they will take responsibility when they get married,” he says.

However, Fred, 28, says that the reason why men are reluctant to take responsibility is because there are many women who are not straightforward.

“Women are now players and men can never be sure the children they are raising are theirs. A man would rather walk away than bring up a child who he believes is not his,” he says.

It’s no wonder then that when we recently ran a story on a school for wives and what women were doing to make themselves better wives and mothers, the feedback was that it was the men who needed that training more than their wives.

The consensus from our readers was that if personal development courses were left to women alone, their efforts to be good wives would be watered down because men did not have the skills of a good husband and father to match.

One reader suggested that the problem began way down and that there was a need for men who are able and willing to consciously raise young boys into hardworking gentlemen like their fathers before them.

A number of dissatisfied wives say that their husbands have abdicated their roles and relegated this responsibilities to the women. Although women have been pushing for equality all along, they still feel that there are roles that are naturally masculine and should be left to men.

These women say men seem to have forgotten their responsibilities and need to be reawakened to their roles.

Rachel Ndeti is one woman who feels that men would benefit from training to make them good husbands. She grew up knowing that it was the man’s responsibility to cater for the upkeep, school fees and shelter for the family while his wife came in to meet him halfway.

The 36-year-old saleswoman has been married for 15 years now. She says that men are no longer taking their roles, as fathers and husbands to heart and that is why women have to step in and fill in for them.

“Women are increasingly shouldering the burden of taking care of the family alone and have to fill even those roles that a man should handle,” she laments.

Rachel defines a good husband as one who spends time with his family and contributes to their upkeep according to his capability. She is fed up of men who opt to spend most of their time hanging out with their friends like bachelors, yet they have families.

“Most times a man will spend a lot of time hanging out with his friends leaving his wife to handle everything in the home on her own. Even women have friends, but we do not spend all our time with them outside the home. When you are married you have to balance your time between your family and other interests,” she suggests.

Rachel notes that many women have learnt to be everything in the family because those who wait for their husbands to rise to the occasion are in for a rude shock.

She says that because women are willing to support their husbands in meeting family costs, many men take advantage and let their wives carry the heavier financial burden as well as the burden of raising children.

As usual, the church steps in to prod men to reclaim their manhood, and fulfill their roles as husbands and fathers.

At the House of Grace Church in Langata, Pastor David Muriithi is taking this call seriously. The church runs a men’s ministry: Men of Valour Empowered (MOVE) to get men back into real manhood.

Pastor Muriithi says that women should understand that men have no equivalent of the bridal shower where they can get tips from experienced people on what is expected of them in marriage. To make matters worse, the changing gender roles have left men confused about what manhood really means in the current age.

“Women believe that the men they marry know how to be good husbands, when in reality that is not the case. The men only know what they observed from their fathers, which may not be the right thing. That is why we have to come in to teach them what their role should be in a marriage and family,” he says.

Pastor Muriithi, however, feels that women are also to blame because it is them who have encouraged the situation by allowing men to sit on the sidelines while they try to fill all the roles of both father and mother.

“Women should let men take the lead. If you show a man you can take over his responsibilities, then he will be happy to leave them to you,” he says.

Pastor Muriithi says that the only way out is for women to let the men exercise their manhood because when that order is reversed, women become dissatisfied.

He advises men to balance their activities so that their wives and children do not feel neglected.

“It is important to go to work and spend time with your friends, but you should maintain a balance. A man shouldn’t be out with his friends t the expense of his family,” he advises.

Pastor Simon Mbevi of Mavuno Church decided to reach further down to boys and young men aged 13 to 25 years. Through his Man Enough programme, he hopes to transform this age group from boys to real men.

Pastor Mbevi believes there is currently a masculinity crisis in Kenya, evident from the many single-women led homes and increased sexual and domestic violence. He is convinced that the crisis is caused by a lack of connection between fathers and sons.

“A mother, no matter how willing she is to do it, cannot fully bring up her son and mould him into a man. Boys need fathers to mentor them. They need a figure they can emulate as they grow into real manhood,” he says.

Like Pastor Murrithi, Pastor Mbevi also feels that women are not so blameless as they have contributed to the masculinity crisis by lowering their expectations on what a man’s role in their lives should be.

“Many women are willing to stomach irresponsible behaviour from their men. The feminist movement also taught women that they can do without men and this has led to many of these women showing men that they really do not need them.This makes men feel unwanted and makes them aloof to responsibility,” he explains.

In addition, the pastor says that a boy brought up by a single mother may miss out on father-son activities and be exposed to more feminine ones thus diminishing his masculinity.

He says that it will take more than programmes like Man Enough to turn boys into real men.

“The current trend where males are bashed from every quarter has to stop. With so many insults hurled at men, how can they rise above the negative portrayals?” he asks. “After a while, these men start to believe that they are really not up to the expected standards and simply give up trying,” he adds.

Pastor Mbevi says that setting standards of masculinity and celebrating the real men in society, who live up to these standards, will eventually provide the turn-around that women are asking for.

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/saturday/-/1216/1141140/-/xgren3/-/index.html