By Winnie Kitetu
I have often heard it said that it’s easy to single out a married couple in traffic — they’re the ones who ignore each other.
I bet that when the marriage is young, couples always have something to talk about, and even when they don’t, the silence is a comfortable one. What changes?
When people get married, there is the exciting honeymoon stage. Many people make the mistake of assuming that life will always be like this — a bed of roses. They forget that roses, though beautiful, and a joy to smell and touch, come with thorns, which must be handled with care.
Traps to avoid as your marriage matures.
Master/servant roles: Marriage is about shared responsibilities and equal partnership.
Each one of you should play a role towards the nurturing of your marriage and growth of your family.
If one person ends up doing everything, he or she will suffer fatigue and will end up feeling resentful of the idle partner.
Policeman role: Trying to police each other is a recipe for disaster. There’s nothing as annoying as when you make a point of finding out where your partner is every hour, what he’s doing and with whom.
When you get to the point where you snoop through your partner’s phone, wallet and handbag, then there’s something terribly wrong with your relationship. A mutually satisfying marriage is based on trust.
Lack of communication: There’s more to communication than updating each other on your day-to-day progress. It calls for sensitivity.
I always say that if you don’t have something constructive or uplifting to say, don’t say it.
If you’re angry, it’s advisable to wait for the anger to fade away because you might say something that has the potential to destroy your marriage.
Always keep your cool and be selective with words.
Competition: If your marriage is to thrive, you need to speak in one voice and make an effort to find common ground in all important issues.
These issues include where to live, where to take your children to school as well as discipline, otherwise your children can easily manipulate you.
Involving a third party: There is nothing that has the potential to kill a marriage faster than allowing other people to interfere with your relationship. Marriage is a sacred union between two people. No one should come in between — not your parents, siblings, or friends.
There is a need to set clear boundaries with your relatives to maintain privacy, peace and tranquillity. It is also important to always portray your spouse in good light. They may have weaknesses like everyone else. However, as a partner in the marriage, it is your duty to cover his weaknesses.
Marriage is an enterprise that should be run with proper skills. It demands give and take and should be entered into with solemn deliberation. A healthy family allows individuality, and each member should be allowed to pursue his own interests even as they seek to operate as one.
Remember that making mistakes is part of life. Within a healthy marriage, mistakes are allowed. My take? The year is still young, therefore resolve to work on your marriage by being more open to your partner’s suggestions, engaging in more meaningful and healthy communication, and helping each other grow.
The writer is a clinical psychologist
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