HOW TO GO ABOUT IT
Just like when asking for a pay raise from your boss, in relationships too there is something known as timing. Never broach such sensitive subjects while angry or after an argument. Even though he may have hurt you with his actions or words, choose the right time to bring up the issue.
Choose a time when the two of you can be alone without any interruption – you could even invite him for coffee or make a special meal at home and bring u the issue soberly without being emotional.
Talk about your feelings and what you expect from him and, if things don’t go well, then seek the help of your church pastor or a close friend of his. If all this does not work, then you can bring in a close relative that you both respect before making any irrational decision.
By Damaris Irungu
Today, the fact that many relationships are ending up in break-ups, has left many women in a precarious situation where they tend to walk on egg-shells around their men to avoid triggering a situation that may lead to a break-up or confrontation.
This is an unfortunate state of affairs because a healthy relationship should be a fulfilling one, where both parties are allowed to speak their minds freely and be listened to.
Many times, women are accused by men of overreacting or being unreasonable but there is only so much that one can tolerate in a relationship.
Instead of bottling your feeling inside, you need to speak up before you end up miserable. The following are some of the things that a woman should not have to put up with, no matter how much she feels she loves the man.
If your man is doing any of the things mentioned below. Then maybe it’s time to sit back and re-evaluate the direction the relationship is going and opt out if you are not happy – but before you do that, you need to speak up….
The ex-girlfriend’s calls If his ex-girlfriend keeps calling and he entertains her calls, then you need to put a stop to this. It is not an over-reaction, ex-girlfriends are a dangerous breed of women and very unhealthy to your relationship. Jackie, 33, discovered that her boyfriend, Brian’s ex-girlfriend was the cause of most of their arguments.
“Whenever she would call Brian, the next couple of days would be hell. He would suddenly become moody and intolerable. I was quiet for sometime but the whole thing was killing me inside, I decided to speak up and told him about my observations which, of course, he denied. I asked him to tell her to stop calling him and if that was too much to ask of him, then our relationship could not go on. I simply had to give him an ultimatum. A couple of weeks later, I realised that I hadn’t heard him speak on the phone with her. I don’t care if she called him when I was not there, but I thought it was disrespectful of him to keep taking calls from an ex when we were together. If I hadn’t spoken up, I would still be miserable. It is best to confront the issue immediately instead of waiting until it’s too late,” concludes Jackie.
Flirting with women It is one thing to ogle at women but a totally different thing for your man to flirt openly with another woman in your presence. It is not only annoying, but shows a total lack of respect, though most men think otherwise.
When confronted about this, most men defend themselves saying that they were just talking. Some will even accuse you of being insecure, but believe you me, this is the one thing you must never allow because most relationships start with flirting.
Next thing you know, the two of them will be meeting behind your back. Think back to your own relationship and how it all started with constant flirting. When you notice that he is taking his time with some other lady, better cut it short.
Most men will argue that they were just talking, ask him to put himself in your shoes, and how he would feel if you spent most of your time flirting with one of his friends or any other man.
Taking you for granted Most men whether subconsciously or not end up taking their women for granted after a few years of being in a relationship. They believe that now that you are safely spoken for, he doesn’t need to pay you any special attention.
This has something to do with male attitude “I have conquered her now the challenge is over” so he stops paying attention to you. If you point this out, he’ll probably say that you are nagging.
He may not even be aware that as he ignores you, there are other men who notice that you are fabulous.
If you find that the lack of attention from your man is giving you thoughts of seeking attention from other men, let him know this..tell him that you have feelings too but don’t want to cheat on him, so he should ensure that you are well taken care of in all aspects. 31- year-old Salma who is married to a politician craved her husband’s attention but he was too busy with his politics and hardly noticed that she existed.
When she complained about feeling neglected, he accused her of being fickle and told her she knew the kind of life a politician leads before she got married to him so she should not complain. To keep herself occupied, Salma started going out with her girlfriends and before long, she had caught another man’s eye.
She was torn between her love for her husband and going out with this other man who made her feel so special. She decided to take her husband out for dinner and told him candidly how she felt. She let him know that she was missing his attention.
He realised that if he did not change his ways, he would probably send his wife into the arms of another man. Today, he ensures that he makes time for his wife and two children no matter how busy his schedule may be.
Cheating on you A man may find himself in a compromising situation which was totally unexpected, but when he does this once, twice and even three times, then you need to sit him down and lay down your rules. If he does not change his ways , then maybe it’s time to wave him goodbye.
You didn’t work so hard in your career, achieve your dreams, get a nice home..only to have him infect you with HIV? Sue, 35, packed her bags and two kids and run as fast as she could, away from the man she had been married to for seven years.
Rumours doing the rounds were that he was sleeping around. “ I chose to put turn a blind eye and ignored the rumours, until it all became too much for me to bear so I confronted him. He denied everything but when I got a sexually transmitted infection from him, I knew it was time to leave.
I was lucky to get away with an STI, next would probably be HIV. No matter how much a man may deny it, if you suspect that he’s sleeping around then confront him about it and if he’s not willing to change, then move out. How often do we hear of so-and so having had a child with such-and –such woman.
The fact here is that not only is such a man sleeping round, he’s doing it without any protection and in the process endangering your life. Too many women are forgiving when they should not be.
This is a matter of life and death and the choice is yours. It’s better to take control of your life than leave it in the hands of an irresponsible man. Sue moved out and has been alone with her children for a year now, she says it gets lonely sometimes, but she has peace of mind, and that is enough for now.
Hiding his money Money is a serious issue in a relationship..it defines the thin line between love and hate. If you don’t know how much money he has but he always knows about your monies and even goes as far as to help you budget for yours then there is trouble brewing.
Most women keep quiet when it comes to matters of finances because they secretly hope that things will get better or that it is too small an issue to cause hell about…again.. stress that builds up and insecurities could lead to irrational decisions.
Speak up about what you feel and do this very early in the relationship. Money is actually a major cause of relationship break-ups.
Putting you down If he can’t find the words to tell you that you are beautiful and appreciated, then he’d better find a way showing it, there are so many ways of doing so…there are men who have no problem telling your friend that she looks great but he would never tell you that your hair looks lovely even when you are just from the salon.
This is just a simple example but for June, 28, her man was good at always putting her down, “Michael would always comment on how much food I put on my plate hinting that that is why I was fat.\
And this he would do even when we were out with friends. It got to appoint where I became paranoid about anything I ate with him around. He knew very well that I had been struggling with my weight since I got the baby, but for him, I ate too much and did nothing about my weight.”
“When I confronted him about it, he blurted out that I should face the fact that I was fat and do something about it! That was the last blow for me, he had been so insensitive to me in many ways but this was the last straw.”
It showed total disrespect. I packed my stuff and left. There was no point living with someone who took pleasure in making me miserable.
I would rather be single and have my piece of mind than married and miserable. There is so much more to life than a bad marriage, “concludes a thoughtful June.
Source: Daily Nation
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