Being a man of modest means is not the easiest station one can find himself in, especially if he is keen on attracting female attention.
Many men complain that women only have eyes for men with visible trappings of financial well-being.
But the tide turns dramatically when the fortunes of a hitherto struggling man change positively. Suddenly, the women who previously ignored his existence develop new eyes and he suddenly becomes attractive.
George, 29, started out penniless as he went through school and found it hard to find a woman he could date comfortably in his state. It was only when he was in college that he realised that money and status could open doors to women’s hearts.
Then, he did not feature in the list of the most desired men on campus. Instead, campus girls preferred men of means and often opted to go out with those who were working.
“The best a penniless man on campus surviving on a student loan can get from most women is a contemptuous stare or derisive laughter should he dare to approach a fellow student for a date. The girls make you feel like you are beneath them yet they are students like you getting the same loan,” George says.
Back then, George could not compete with the employed men who stole the thunder from the college boys, because they had the money and status that the girls craved. George and his ilk would watch enviously as the working men rolled into the halls of residence in fancy cars and drove off with their female classmates.
Life after campus was no different. George moved into a one-roomed house at Ngara with his brother.
He was out of work for two years but eventually got a job as a shop assistant in the Ngara area earning a paltry Sh7000 a month despite the fact that he was a university graduate. His Bachelor of Commerce degree did little to endear him to women, who preferred to see visible signs of success before they could give him a chance.
“I used to walk to work and the women I approached would tell me that I had no chance with them because I had nothing to offer. Now they look for me,” he says.
It was when he got a better job in marketing earning 10 times his previous salary that he realised how money can suddenly transform a formerly penniless, struggling man into the most eligible bachelor in town.
With his new job, he upgraded his life as soon as he could. He bought a car, moved to a better neighbourhood – Nairobi West and could now indulge in the fine things that money can buy.
That is when he noticed that the number of women who would give him a hearing suddenly increased. Not to be left behind, were some of his former college mates who would have nothing to do with him earlier. He could not believe that they were now jostling for his attention.
“When I met some of my former college mates in the course of my work and they learnt that I was now working for one of those blue chip companies in town, they would suddenly become very friendly and even make sure they asked for my number with the promise of us meeting up for coffee or lunch.
I couldn’t believe the women who had shunned me throughout my four years in college were now literally hounding me with phone calls and offer for dates. Even when in a club enjoying myself they hang around me, even when I have company.
“There is a woman who is unrelenting, and shows up wherever I am. She is one of the girls who would never have talked to me in college, but now that my status has changed she is trying her best to get me, knowing very well that I highly doubt her sincerity,” says George.
Many men who are written off as being below the dating league on campus surprise the same women when they emerge successful after university. But now that the man has the attention he used to crave what does he do with it?
Some are disgusted that women have a change of heart now that the man’s bank balance has risen from zero to six or more figures. However, there are those who use this newfound attention to pay back the women for ignoring them when they had nothing.
They accept such a woman’s advances, date her for a while, even go ahead and have a baby with her only to dump her for the next woman in the line-up.
Onyango, an Information Technology specialist in Nairobi, experienced the feeling of not being given a chance because he was not considered to be of high status on campus.
“There are women who could never give you a chance to date them because they thought you were of a lower status than them.
This especially happened with women who had grown up in town and men who had grown up and gone to school in the rural area. It was rare to find such a woman going out with a man they considered too rural,” he says.
He explains that female students preferred to date men from well-off families.
To make up for his lack of status, Onyango, who had come from one of those high performing schools in Nyanza, worked on improving his skills and knowledge to enable him to pursue his ambition. Immediately after university, he got a job with a leading company earning a handsome salary.
Onyango is totally surprised that now, when he meets his former female college mates and tells them where he works, they suddenly show interest in him.
Onyango, a sports fan, meets most of his former classmates during rugby matches and at entertainment joints in the city.
“When I meet some of the girls who used to pass me by in campus without as much as a greeting, and they find out that I’m doing much better financially than the Onyango they knew on campus, everything changes.
“They now want to be in constant communication with me and want to hang out with me.” “I do not ignore them or rebuff them, but at the back of my mind, I think this is the same woman who did not care about me. It makes you wonder if such a woman would stick with you in hard times,” he says.
But should a woman be excused for ignoring a man when he is down and then seeking him out when his star rises?
Many women consider a man for a relationship based on his perceived success. This success is judged on the basis of status and size of wallet. The more money or higher the status a man has, the more appealing he becomes. And as a man’s financial status increases, so do his female admirers as he becomes more attractive.
Money and not looks makes men more attractive to women because they view moneyed men as capable of providing physical and financial security. Susan, 27, says that a man who has risen from the ashes is attractive because a woman can tell that he is ambitious.
“A man who has worked his way up shows that he has other desirable qualities like ambition and industriousness and those are traits women admire in men,” she says.
She says that watching the man rise from his days of struggle to make something of himself is an irresistible trait. Susan explains that it is difficult to tell whether a penniless man will rise above his circumstances, yet a woman desires a man who can provide for her and her children.
“But if the same man proves himself by bettering his circumstances, then he becomes more attractive because he has proved he can rise from adversity and be successful. With such a man, you can be sure you won’t suffer in life and he won’t sit back and expect you to provide for him.”
“In any case if a man is struggling and you accept him in that state, he will be insecure about the more well-off men you interact with and this could lead to conflict in the relationship,” Susan says.
She defends the women saying that no woman wants to suffer and there is nothing wrong with going for a man of means. The book Gender Gap: The Biology of Male-Female differences vindicates women’s choices. The authors write that while men value youth and physical attractiveness and the prospect of sexual fidelity (suggestive of reproductive potential), women value financial assets, status and signs of industriousness and ambition.
Psychologists give the reason for this as a biological urge in women to look for a provider who can contribute to successful offspring. That is why a broke man who previously was seen as a non-contender because of his modest means suddenly becomes attractive when women notice that he has acquired the ability to provide, based on the size of his wallet and material possessions.
Personal advertisements in lonely hearts columns also provide a glimpse of the kind of men women are looking for: ambitious, hardworking, financially stable..all traits visible in a man who has worked his way up the financial and status ladder. Samson, an accountant says that he does not understand how a woman who had no time for a man when he was poor can claim to love him after he accumulates some wealth.
He says that such behaviour proves that women love the man’s money and status more. He counts himself lucky that the woman he married is the one who stuck with him when he was still struggling financially.
“Those women who flock to you when you have made some money and a name for yourself will leave you as soon as you lose your job,” he warns saying that true love is shown when a woman loves a man for who he is rather than for the money he can bring in. Kirui, a banker says that if a woman does not love you when you are down, then there is no way she can have a change of heart just because you have money. “There are men who may forget how the women treated them when they did not have money, but if you were not warming up to me when I had no money, why should you look at me differently when I get it?” he asks.
Kirui says that such women who begin to love a man when he gains some wealth have a hidden agenda. Njeri, a sales representative says that there is no crime in watching to see if a man has potential and then seeking him out when the woman is satisfied that he can provide the kind of life she wants for her family.
“Let a man work his way up and as soon as he can prove his ability to provide the best life for his family, he will find that more women will be attracted to him – including those who had ignored him before,” she says.
Winnie Kitetu, a counseling psychologist says that women’s sudden attraction to men who accumulate wealth after some time is not out of the ordinary.
“We cannot really say that these women are gold diggers because they want a man who can provide financial support that will make them feel secure.
Kitetu explains that women like to be associated with successful men and know that marrying a wealthy person means leading a decent lifestyle, and having access to a good education and the best services for their children.
“When a man shows outward signs of his ability to provide, the woman is assured of not starving and that her children will not suffer.”
There are also women who believe in the saying that “it is better to cry on a Mercedes than cry on a bicycle because whether on a Mercedes or on a bicycle, you will cry anyway” Meaning that it’s better to be miserable but surrounded with wealth instead of misery on top of poverty.
Dr Halimu Shauri a consultant sociologist at Pwani University College agrees that women are keen on a man’s ability to provide for the kind of life they desire. He says it is common for a woman to ask a man where he works within minutes of meeting him.
This is to find out how economically secure she would be if she were to form an intimate relationship with the new found male friend. Money makes real men in relationships.
He adds that women want a man who is financially secure as intimacy or love as you may conceive it does not work well on an empty stomach. Women need a man with money to assure them of their basic needs and comfort.
But there are women who just want to extend the fantasy love-life they see on soap operas to their real life relationships.
They dream of big cars, houses, clothes and jewellery. Such women choose wealthy men who can meet their fantasies.
On why women warm up to a man they would never have dated before, Dr Shauri says that such women select what they consider the right man for them.
“If a man who previously couldn’t provide can now meet a woman’s needs, the woman will now choose that man based on the changes,” he says.
This might seem like bad news for men who are still struggling. However, Dr Shauri says that being poor is relative and that such men are also selected on the same basis of perceived wealth.
“The man that is poor to you may be rich to another person depending on the woman in question. A rural woman will have her own yardstick of selecting an able man and so would be the city lady.
“The dirty farmer or herdsman to you from the village may be poor because he does not know how to keep up with modernity but I can assure you to a fellow villager he might be considered richer than your urban counterpart. Thus, rural or urban, poor or rich women know that they have to be economically secure first for them to enjoy intimacy, love and life. Remember to enjoy the finer things in life you need money.”
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