To have a secret account or not?
The moment was tense with a heavy sense of betrayal. Eddy* looked at his wife Terry* from across their bedroom then fished some document from the drawer.
It was her bank statement for Sh307,000. She suddenly froze and was lost for words. Eddy didn’t have to say anything, Terry recalls the moment, as the hurt and surprise were clearly written in his eyes.
The secret was out. It had started when he picked her up when she was suddenly taken ill at work. None of them had imagined that after her recovery, their marriage would also be in need of repair.
The damning document had been in the handbag she forgot in the car after she fell sick.
Not so uncommon
This phenomenon is rarely talked about among couples, but it is so widespread in marriages that analysts say if it came out there would be many divorces.
“It is common for spouses or partners to hold back from each other when it comes to finances,” says Mr Jeremiah Ireri, a pastor and marriage counselor at Zion Baptist Church, Nairobi.
“Of all the issues couples seek help or intervention for, the most common has to do with money.”
Men and women keep financial secrets in different ways, though, he notes, “men tend not to reveal how much they are making to their wives while women tend to want to put money aside without the husband’s knowledge just in case he abandons the family or does not provide for them or something goes wrong.”
This is more common among couples who have children together, but are not officially married and thus in the event of a separation, the man will be under no obligation to support them.
Pastor Ireri recalls a time when he had difficulty reconciling a couple after the wife found out that the husband had been unfaithful and had been spending a lot of money on the mistress for whom he paid for everything, including clothes, shoes, trinkets and rent.
Until then, she took care of her part of the household expenses and put most of what she had left into their joint account as they accumulated towards a down payment for a mortgage.
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She was bitter and hurt that while she did that, the bulk of her husband’s income went to his mistress.
“It took months to get her to go back to her matrimonial home and even now, the repair work to regain trust is going on through individual and joint counseling sessions,” says the Pastor.
In the first case, Terry worked as an office administrator, while Eddy ran a hardware business that was steadily growing. He had them move from their one-bedroom to a two-bedroom house two months before their first child was born.
All through, he took care of house rent, bills and shopping, while Terry did the groceries and paid the house-help. The couple had also opened a joint account and invested in stocks after a while.
When illness in the family or larger family came up on either side, or if either of their parents and younger siblings needed help, Eddy helped. The previous week Eddy had made a payment of Sh15,000 for her younger sister to start an accountancy course.
Men have always wondered why women keep secret accounts — whether it is an emergency fund or because of sheer mistrust.
Starting out
So what advice does Paster Ireri give couples who come to him with their unions at risk due to financial disagreements?
“All couples who want to formalise their union through marriage at our church have to go through pre-marital counseling on a number of issues, including financial matters.
Pointers couples starting out get include:
Don’t make love the only thing you consider when settling on a life partner. Look at compatibility including financial; consider what ideals you consider absolute and which differences you have that you could compromise on.
Be clear about what you can and are willing to do as far as finances are concerned.
Be open about what you have rather than doing things to impress. You will, for one, not be able to maintain the lie for long and you may be in trouble once the truth comes out. Don’t, for example, borrow or take out loans for a lavish wedding to impress people and then live financially unhappy ever after.
Make financial plans together, including plan B and even C. That is what you would do if one of you lost his/her income or if extended families need financial help. Thinking it out before it happens helps make it manageable when it does happen.
Seek help or advice from a neutral third party — not from a bitter aunt or mother. In fact, keep your financial issues away from family members and friends, their advice will be out of their own experiences and might not have your interests at heart.
For incidences where trust has been breached, financial or otherwise, the Pastor advises to:
Decide whether you still want to continue with the relationship or have no chance of reconciliation. Some incidents, he notes, have such a serious breach of trust that one party immediately decides to stop the relationship. If unsure, do not make any move before deciding what happens to the marriage. Do not, for instance, go and clean out your joint-account, move out and take everything with you including the children. It is, however, wise to take time alone away from the matrimonial home with a relative to think things through.
Express how you feel and why. The pastor says he never ceases to be surprised by men who defend their actions by comparing them to men of God like Abraham and Solomon who they say did the same thing.
Whatever decision you arrive at about the relationship, work on forgiving the other person. Hating someone, Pastor Ireri warns, is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Refocus, be it on rebuilding the relationship or starting your life alone, or with children. Do this through a neutral third party. Work on coming up with a plan that works for both of you that reassures the betrayed person that total honesty and trust can be regained if a reconciliation is the goal.
If there is a reunion, don’t overdo things like monitor each other.
Stay on track with frequent checks but do not make these grilling sessions. If you are staying in the relationship, give it a real chance and desist from raising issues or nagging unless urgent, until the monthly session.
Eddy and Terry
His advice for Eddy and Terry and everyone in a similar situation, regardless of who is holding back, is to agree that things must change and how to go about it.
“A situation where one partner is angry and uncommunicative makes for a great possibility for infidelity as a means to hurt back or seek acceptance and comfort,” he says.
The neutral third party comes in here, but decisions need to be made and action to reinforce them before the reaction to the what is perceived as betrayal becomes habit and then character.
Take it to the doctor
Ms Diana Gachukia’s take, a financial consultant with Zenith Financiers and Advisors, says the approach should be “direct, methodical and if at all possible, detached from the lovey-dovey feelings.”
“The thing with couples,” she says, “is that they believe that this warm, caring and giving person will have the same financial personality, and this is not always, in fact, hardly ever, the case.”
For example, she says, a man may want to spend time with you but his idea of quality time would be to cook for you at home and rent out a few movies every weekend, while the woman’s idea of a good time would be dinner at a fancy place and dancing afterwards.
“They are seemingly small differences but they have to be dealt with every weekend or become apparent about other issues like where to live or school the kids based on spending, a big clash is inevitable.”
“Take care of joint-financial issues like you are taking them to the doctor. What you are after at a doctor’s is a remedy, perhaps with a prescription, an injection or something practical to do or a check up to confirm that all is well,” she says.
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Do this by:
Putting everything on the table with documentary evidence like pay slips and bank statements.
Treating this like a contract — you put in something and expect something back for both parties. State your individual goals, such as going back to school and joint ones like owning a home, then together make a plan on how you will achieve them.
Making appointments with your financial advisor regularly, say every six months or when things that touch your finances change. Do not change your plans alone.
Having written records of your progress, such as statements on your returns and documents for assets you have bought under your name gives you a sense of guarantee of joint-ownership.
Accompanying your spouse or partner to their work-related functions and getting to know their colleagues is also a way to be open about finances. If they have been promoted, got a raise or bonus, you are likely to know about it.
Giving each other space. Based on your income(s), pool your resources and put family needs and obligations first and have individual accounts for your own use.
“Whatever you decide to do with your own funds, which the other person is well aware of from what is left over after you have joined finances, is not or should not be subject to scrutiny by the other person,” she says.
“Putting away money that the other person does not know you have, however, is different and things can crumble when it comes to light.”
A partnership between a couple, means giving all of yourself, including financially, she further explains.
“That means that if rent or school fees for the children goes up and there is nothing for you to keep for yourself in your account, so be it.”
Eddy, Terry and others
To Eddy and Terry and all couples, Ms Gachukia’s advice is to be truthful with yourself.
“A man may be uncomfortable or feel short-changed when he has to put all his earnings on the table and seek approval on how to spend it or a woman may believe a man’s role is to fully provide for the family and her income is hers to use.”
“Tell the other person how you feel when things start getting serious rather than playing along and then fight about money all the time.”
Ms Gachukia also insists on seeking professional financial advice rather than talking to friends and relatives.
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Give all, get more
“True partnership is when you put all of what you are and have on the table and walk away with more than you started with,” said US media mogul, Oprah Winfrey.
As you pool as a couple for more and better, don’t forget the other returns apart from shillings and cents — the trust, the faith, the dependence, the confidence of a life partner to whom you give, so you can both come out with more.
If your goal is get the most, the only way is to put in the most that you can.
*Names have been changed to avoid embarrassing the couple.
SOURCE: DAILY NATION
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