If you mother your husband, don’t blame him for acting like a baby.
A client — I will call her Mary — came to my office a few days ago looking disturbed.
She got married a few months ago, so she was still in the heady honeymoon phase where your partner can do no wrong. However, Mary was far from settled and was, in fact, wondering whether she had made the right decision.
Her problem was that her husband had turned out to be “a baby”, a needy child who wanted to be pampered and looked after round the clock.
“It’s been only a few months, but I feel so exhausted. I do everything in that house — he does not lift a finger and has to be pushed to do what is expected of him,” Mary told me.
He also tended to over-react and exaggerate issues. When he got a headache for instance, or a cold, he kept mourning about how dreadful the pain was.
He also called several times a day to check on her and when he got home before her, would “throw a tantrum” and explain that he was lonely.
She felt like the only adult in the house.
Her fear was how she would manage when they got a child because from what she has gathered in those few months, her husband is too needy.
The following week, I shared this woman’s story with some female colleagues. I wanted to know whether any of them related to this woman’s story. The answer from most of them was Yes.
Why would an adult behave in such a needy, insecure manner? This called for some research.
In the course of my digging, I stumbled on a possible explanation by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. He called it regression.
Regression, according to Freud, is an unconscious defence mechanism that leads to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development. This prevents such a person from handling issues in an adult way.
Men, it is said, regress often, especially if one was brought up in a pampered environment of, say, a permissive mother and adoring sisters.
If you are in a relationship where you feel as if you are living with a toddler, it is time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner. The fact is that he might be unaware of his behaviour and how it is affecting you.
But it is also important to ask yourself whether you are encouraging his behaviour. Some women are guilty of mothering their husbands. They do everything for them, because they assume that they cannot function without their help.
Mothering wives tell their husbands to wear a jacket when it gets cold, chew with their mouths closed, and generally dictate how their lives run. It may be their way of showing love, but such attention can be suffocating for the partner on the receiving end.
If you are sailing this boat, here are some steps you can take to make it right.
Assumption leads to disappointment. Do not assume that your husband knows his responsibilities around the home. If you want help, ask for it.
Set the agenda for your marriage right from the beginning. Do not wait until you have been married for two or five years to change the rules — chances are that you will get resistance.
Signs that you “mother” your spouse
You often correct or criticise your partner.
You feel that your spouse is incapable of doing things without you.
You feel the need to change his beliefs or habits.
You give your partner “instructions” and keep nagging him or her to do them.
You use a reprimanding tone when speaking to your partner.
The writer is a counselling psychologist.
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