Couples in “come-we-stay” partnerships are happier than those who got married in church. They are also happier than those in customary and civil marriages.
More interesting, all the happily married men interviewed said their marriage was customary, civil, or come-we-stay — none was a union conducted in church.
Sociologist Ken Ouko attributes this to the fact that couples in informal unions feel no pressure to conform to societal expectations of the “real” marriage.
“There is no institution that is as closely monitored as marriage. Newly-married couples are in the constant glare of the ‘social microscope’,” he says.
“On the contrary, the come-we-stay couple is tactfully ignored by the community in the hope that they will feel embarrassed for going against the grain. To this couple, this is the window of relief they need to blindside everyone and enjoy their illegitimate union,” he says.
Another factor that makes “come-we-stay” arrangements so successful is the “open door principle” where each partner is free to walk away once the relationship ceases to meet their needs.
The fact that there are no lifelong ties, says Mr Ouko, gives a feeling of freedom, and as a result, the couple lives life to the full.
“The tragedy of marriage is that we aspire for its bliss, but as soon as we tie the knot, a feeling of permanence envelopes the spouses. This feeling is especially acute in the masculine psyche, hence the tendency by men to seek an open side door,” he says.
Firm commitments
The fact that there are no firm commitments, and the fear that one could lose his or her partner any time motivates the come-we-stay couple to go out of their way to keep each other happy.
“The couple in the come-we-stay relationship is likely to be more ‘caring’, showering each other with gifts and doing things that will hold each other’s attention,” he says.
“What works against other forms of marriage is that more often than not, people relax and take each other for granted,” he says.
Source: Daily Nation
Comments