A recent article in the Saturday Nation talked about a woman who stayed in a relationship for 10 years, assuming that her boyfriend would eventually marry her. He did not.
A woman who agrees to live with a man, as his wife, or to stay in a prolonged relationship, hoping that he will eventually marry her may be entertaining false hopes.
Many women have found out the hard way that living with a man for too long without a marriage certificate, often ends in a major disappointment for the woman when someone else comes along and the man decamps without a backward glance.
Certain relationships go on for years without any wedding bells in sight. This is not a good situation for any woman who wishes to get married and raise children because a woman’s biological clocks do not go on forever.
Take the case of one Nancy Kagendo, a 40-year-old cateress. Nancy is a vivacious, attractive woman whose laughing eyes belie the pain she has been through because she stayed too long in a relationship that ended up nowhere.
She met and fell in love with Gitonga several years ago. They were together for 12 years. All this time, Nancy assumed that they were ‘married’ and all that Gitonga had to do was formalise the arrangement with a wedding or by paying bride price to her parents.
She was mistaken because Gitonga had no such intentions. Being traditional and soft-spoken, Nancy did not push the issue and kept waiting for the time when Gitonga would make an honest women of her. She dutifully did everything as his ‘wife’ and everyone thought of her as such.
He even introduced her as his wife whenever they were out. She waited patiently for the day he would announce that he was taking his people to meet her family. Unfortunately, the day never arrived. While they were still together, Gitonga met someone else and left Nancy for this other woman.
Nancy was inconsolable for several months. In retrospect, she says she does not understand why she stayed so long with Gitonga even when he was not taking the relationship to the next level.
“It was as though he had some power over me, I couldn’t think straight and that’s why I did not push the issue of marriage in all that time,” she says. Nancy’s advice to young women in relationships is to feel with their hearts, but think with their heads.
In another case, a woman named Wangari went out with a man, let’s call him David* for six years. She was 38 and like most women her age, she was ready to settle down and was looking for a life partner.
But every time she broached the subject of marriage, her boyfriend would vaguely tell her things like “Let the relationship take its course” or “Don’t rush me.” This man did not seem willing to make a commitment, yet he expected to keep on dating her while dangling the marriage carrot.
He paraded her around to the point where everyone believed they were married. Men who were interested in her feared to approach her because of this.
He had even introduced her to his family, making her convinced that he was serious about the affair. Eventually, she grew weary of waiting for him to make up his mind to marry her and broke up with him. The only regret she has today is the fact that she wasted her time and emotions on him for so long.
Many women who have been dumped after being in lengthy relationships and even co-habitating with the man often wonder why the men who were so happy to live with them for so long did not marry them. A few men we spoke to had this to say:
Mwangi, a 37-year-old salesperson succinctly summed it up by asking this commonly used quote: “Why would you buy the whole cow if you have been getting the milk for free”?
**** John, a 32-year-old part time student said, “Dating a woman for long is no guarantees of marriage. She ought to know that she is taking a risk. Infact, the longer you take in a relationship before marriage the less the chances of it culminating in a marriage.”
From this reasoning, it is clear that women who would like to get married need to be very discerning about what they are getting into. Before starting a relationship, lay down your terms and conditions in order to avoid misunderstandings later on.
Those contemplating co-habitation would be wise to discuss their feelings ahead of time to ascertain the meaning each partner associates with the decision to live together. If one, usually the woman considers co-habitation as a precursor to engagement and the other is participating without love and commitment, hard feelings and hurt result.
As a woman, you are entirely to blame if you are taken for a long ride. Men will usually simply say that they did not coerce you into the relationship. Some will even state that they did not promise you anything. And they are right. The choices you make concerning the relationship are entirely up to you.
personalcare2001@yahoo.com
Comments