OPINION
By Clay Muganda
There is a new person in my life. This should not be news, but for the fact that she has taught me an invaluable lesson about forgiveness, a virtue I have come to learn in the three hundred weeks that this column has been in existence, is an appendage to (or is it of?) an apology, which our politicians rarely accept because they take it as an admission of guilt and then go ahead and sue media houses for defamation.
We have been looking for one another for close to ten years, and when we found each other a few columns ago, she started giving me the apology, and by extension, forgiveness, lessons, which form the basis of today’s piece.
Contrary to unpopular opinion that I am, through this column of course, never contrite, but conceited, irreligious, belligerent, arrogant, ignorant and biased, I am free of prejudice because I like everyone equally and crossing people’s paths, or stepping on their toes has never been the job description, or the intention of this column.
In fact, I have to thank readers for keeping the faith even when I have displayed streaks of unfaithfulness by claiming that there are cars, and then there are Toyotas.
Brand defamation
Thus, as I pen the three hundredth piece on this page, I want to apologise to those Kenyans who own Toyotas. On numerous occasions, I have written that they are poor judges of character who should be charged with brand defamation. I take that back because I have discovered that they are very wealthy, if the number of times that they have to purchase Sh600 gearboxes and other spare parts is anything to go by.
I am also sorry for claiming that Toyota “mechanics” are not qualified and often leave the cars in a worse state of disrepair when they try to replace the Sh600 parts. I have discovered that these “mechanics” do not even have the basic qualification that would allow them to be near any poorly-maintained white Toyota whose owner spends half his or her lifetime driving badly to and from a roadside garage.
Some weeks ago, I told the clergy, or some sections thereof, that they could go hang because of their numerous infractions and inability to sow seeds of peace when Kenyans need them most. I have since realised that my statement hurt the feelings of numerous church goers who have put their trust in these pious men and women whose only aim is to show us the right path, but more often than not make us follow their wicked, wicked ways.
As such, they should not hang. Instead, they should bury themselves alive or jump in the deepest sea so as to save us the ignominy of burying them. My apologies also go to the students of public universities. I have called them very many names because of their ability to use both the stones in their heads and those on the ground to paralyse businesses when some of them lose their pens, toys or marbles.
I did refer to the public universities as institutions of lower learning just a few columns after I insinuated that they are institutions of criminals. I am sorry I wrote they are idiots it is true. They can use the stones in their heads and put punctuation marks wherever they like.
Poor drinkers
To err is human, if the number of times the errors in this column have rubbed politicians the wrong way is anything to go by. Politicians are very understanding I must say, because many realise I cannot tarnish what they do not have -reputation. As a self-confessed love-a-holic, I have to extend my apologies to Nairobi Gals and, as television reporters put it, their male counterparts.
I have written that they are poor drinkers, poor lovers, poor dancers, poor drivers… Ladies and gentlemen, I take that back as I have discovered that you have very many manners–and all of them are bad. The same goes to fellow Nairobians, who I have always insisted need etiquette classes because of their ability to push, shove, claw, elbow, nose, knee and even stomach their way through queues or traffic, even when there is no one ahead of them.
You do not need any etiquette lessons on how to behave in a queue or on the road. You just need to learn that there are other people who need to reach their destinations too and you are not the only person who wants to move. In fact, your behaviour is not ludicrous, as I once suggested. It is despicable.
It would be a great disservice to my readers if I failed to apologise to television reporters and my fellow print journalists. I have always insisted that the former have a poor command of the languages they use, and atrocious transatlantic accents which they acquire when they connect flights at European airports.
Nasal drawls
I must admit that I have been wrong on how you acquire the accents. Many of you have never even connected flights and have just acquired their accents by watching television programmes and newscasters from numerous countries, and you get confused when you try to imitate the numerous accents. Then you end up with those nasal drawls which make watching television news excruciatingly painful.
As for my fellow print journalists, more so entertainment writers, I have to admit that you are not ignorant as I have always written, but hopeless, hapless, careless, lazy, indolent, lethargic, slothful reporters who echo whatever politicians and celebutards say without asking any questions.
I will apologise to the other people I may have rubbed the wrong way in the coming weeks. They should bear with me during this trying period when I am being taught about forgiveness by Maryanne, my first daughter, who I was reunited with a few weeks ago. She turns eleven on Sunday.
Source: Daily Nation
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