An atheist and controversial blogger, Kay believes not having sex should be an exception, and having it the assumed default every night. Photo/FILE
If married people were to have sex every single day without fail, would they still have problems? Athol Kay, an American sexologist, gives an “absolute No” for an answer.
Kay and his wife Jennifer consider their marriage of 16 years successful because they both ensured that sex was “available all the time”.
The couple, who have two children claim that they have had sex more than 5,000 times –Everyday —”apart from when one of them is sick.”
In fact, Kay believes sex is the main reason people get married. According to him, inadequate supply of sex is the cause of all the problems in marriage.
“For my wife and I, instead of having to come up with a reason to have sex, we had to find reasons not to have sex. And we could not find any,” he is quoted as saying by the Daily Mail of England.
Kay’s collection of sex experiences with Jennifer are captured in his latest book, Married Man Sex Primer 2011, a publication he says teaches husbands about the “inner workings of the female psyche.”
Kay, a sexpert, has been running a blog (marriedmansexlife.com) from where his book derives most of its content.
Some of the content had to be “edited by his wife “ as they were quite racy and touched on the inner nerves of their bedroom life.
The couple got married in 1994 after a three year distant relationship, and immediately “set the sex ball rolling”.
An atheist and controversial blogger, Kay writes, “Getting married isn’t the finishing line but the starting line.”
In his life as a sexologist, Kay believes not having sex should be an exception, and having it the assumed default every night.
Writing from experience, he asserts, that problems start to dog marriages when couples reduce the small romantic things they were doing for each other or together before they got married.
“Marriage should actually be endless courtship,” he writes in the book. He goes ahead to “rubbish” the reasons women give for not giving sex to their husbands.
In an interview with MailOnLine a few weeks ago, Kay was categorical “Many men whine, plead and beg for sex from their wives. Talk of headaches or being tired are white lies and rationalisations. Find out the real reason why she is not willing to have sex and work on those reasons,” he says.
If, according to Kay, sex is so important in marriage, just how often then should couples have it? “Three times a week is acceptable for me. It (sex) is something I would not want to have on a daily basis,” says Samuel Omondi, 30.
According to Omondi, men “have no brakes” when it comes to desiring sex. If they do not get it when they want it, he says, they are very likely to look for it elsewhere.
Omondi asserts that men are weak at suppressing their urges. He further seems to advance the age-old excuse men give when they engage in infidelity, that the male species are destined to have many females.
In other words, that men are polygamous by nature.“The problem is that I do not think there is a normal woman who is capable of fulfilling a man’s sexual needs 100 per cent,” says Omondi who works for a sports association in Nairobi.
Like Omondi, Janet Aloo, an events organiser, says sex “should never be like a shower which one has to have daily”.
“Anything that becomes a routine will definitely bore you. Sexual pleasure is created and I do not think you do this by having it all the time,” says Aloo.
She cannot say the ideal frequency of sex in a marriage saying it depends on many factors. Something like one’s lifestyle or age, she says, will affect one’s sex life.
“A physically unfit person will not sustain regular sex. Someone who is 25 or 30 years may also be able to have sex more than the one aged 40 or 50. I do not think saying three or four times is practical,” says Aloo.
She disagrees with Kay’s assertion that “sex is the main reason people marry, anyway”.
“Plainly speaking, people do not marry for sex. Even when you are not married, you can get sex in this town anytime you want.
“I think things like societal pressure, need for financial stability and a need to procreate are more meaningful reasons why someone would want a husband or a wife,” says Aloo who lives in Nairobi.
George Bwana thinks a man should be happy if he got it four times every week. “You cannot have a happy family if a man has to beg for sex. It should come from the wife naturally and willingly,” says Bwana, a veteran TV producer.
Bwana says some jobs, like his, may force someone to be out for long but even then, “at least two days a week” would work.
“Let us be frank, if a man does not get this intimacy with his wife when he wants it, he will get it from someone else. And you know, there are many people out there willing to play ball,” says Bwana.
However, he accuses women, especially the working class, of determining when and whether to give their husbands sex.
“They even use it as a bargaining tool to get men fulfil their interests. If you give them what they want,, you will get it. If you make them angry, they deny it to you. This is some sort of blackmail,” he says.
Martin Wanjeru, in his late 40s and an official with a workers union, says a man who is well taken care of in this department at home is unlikely to stray.
“Ask any man why he has a Mpango wa Kando (side dish) and he will tell you it’s because it’s a way to avoids conflicts in the house by not demanding sex from the wife,” he says.
The same argument applies with men who turn to chips funga ( women who are picked up for sex only). “Why do men pick these women up when they are going home?” asks Njeru .
“It is because a man wants to take care of his needs, go home and sleep without being “ turned down” by the wife,” says Wanjeru.
His tip to women? “Be worried if your man is not bothered when you deny him sex. Either he has already had some or he has a regular partner elsewhere,” says Wanjeru a father of four.
Jess Muniu, suggests that being intimate once a week is healthy enough. “Having it three or four times is like setting a food menu, it soon becomes a routine and ceases to be special or exciting. This whole frequency thing is very different for women,” says Jess because for most women, it’s not the quantity but the quality.
“A woman would rather have quality sex once in three months than every two days and not be satisfied,” says Jess, a university student.
She explains that men’s desire for quantity sex as opposed to women’s desire for quality sex is where the two genders part ways and advises couples to try alternatives to sex when one is not ready.
“Men, especially, believe that penetration is the only way they can have sex. They must learn other ways of fulfilling their needs and those of their woman,” says Jess.
“No woman can claim never to have felt pressure from a man who is desperately in need of sex. But people should not fight. It is important that couples satisfy each other without one party feeling he or she did it under duress,” she advises.
Kay suggests some things that will add some spark to a couple’s sexual life. “Kiss your woman every day. And by this, I do not mean a peck,” he writes in what he calls his Master Action Plan.
Men must also learn to take their wives out. “Regular date nights make women feel appreciated.”
While it would be ridiculous to adopt some of Kay’s love secrets in our African setting, perhaps it would help to have a look at the book and pick what works for you as a couple.
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