Adam vs Eve: The mysteries within

By ADAM vs EVE Published Aug. 14, 2010 EVE: Read between the lines

A woman’s words are very loaded and should not be taken at face value, one has got to read between the lines.

1. “Anything you decide is fine” Wondering which movie to watch or what gift to buy? This is tricky as she expects you to make the right decision, or she might not speak to you for days. Eve need not point everything out for you – use your head. And if you blunder, everything will NOT be fine! 2. “Do I look fat in this?” Tricky question? You bet her behind it is! This means; “Tell me I am beautiful” – she could be feeling self conscious and needs to be complemented. A curt “No” is not the ideal answer. You can say “Yes” if you are spoiling for a huge fight. 3. “Where is this relationship going?” This is mostly preceded by “We need to talk”, and is an indication that Eve does not like the status quo. Either things are moving too slow or there is something she expects from you that you are not doing yet. She is getting restless. This is NOT a question really. It is a statement that says; get that dumb thought out of your head, I do not agree, and you should be ready for the consequences if you choose to go ahead. When what you suggest is a good idea, Eve will never ask if you REALLY think it is a good idea!

4. “Do you really think that is a good idea?”

5. “Nothing (is wrong)” When she goes quiet and is not her normal cheery self; when she won’t talk to you and responds to you in monosyllables, know that something is definitely wrong. Why then dear Adam, do you ask her if something is wrong? Think back and figure out what you did, because you are definitely the culprit!

6. “OK” When this is said with a shrug of the shoulders, hold your horses. Did you tell her that you are meeting with your ex? No? That is OK. That you are going out with the boys? What day is that? Eeeh…when is her birthday? Could it be the same day she has an appointment with a doctor? Is this day important to her or the kids…? Think Adam, think! or things will not be OK!

7. “Let’s just be friends” It means she is not interested and will most probably never be. Pray that you do not get the whole ‘lets-just-be-friends’ speech, poor thing! 8. “I don’t care” She cares but you are too dense to see it. She is upset, hurt and disappointed that you would do or say something so thoughtless. So though she cares, she wonders “Why bother?!”

9. “I’ll take just a minute” If she has not showered, selected an outfit with matching shoes, has not done her makeup and hair, that minute might stretch to one hour. Patience Adam. Patience. 10. *Loud sigh* The loud sigh qualifies as speech because it means more than words can express. It means, you are an idiot, and she will not waste her time arguing with you about something for the umpteenth time – “I am fed up, I give up!” *Sigh*

ADAM: What I really mean is… “Don’t misquote me!”

1. “Yes. Mmm” Yes, what you are saying has the least impact on me right now, because I am busy watching Arsenal being thumped. So the answer to all your questions will be Yes just like the referendum. What I want my Eve, is to be left alone. All alone.

2. “You are not fat!” Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fattest of them all? Not you my Eve. Not you. Of course, with time Adam knows that the answer to that question will be a standard, “No you are not fat at all.” Even when all the clothes in the drawer cannot pass through your head, and the jeans that used to be size 10 cannot even fit your hand. No Eve, you are not fat!

3. “Just a minute” One of those village sages once said, “Men are like sheep. Once they leave the homestead, they don’t know where they are going, and they don’t know when they will come back.” So Eve, give Adam a minute and he will be back. You see, one minute is a figure of speech that could mean one day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. One to Adam is just that – One! 4. “I will tidy up” So the big problem is that my hole infested socks and underwear are lying all over the house. Big deal, Eve. Adam has no problem tidying up, as long as they are out of your sight – could be under the mattress, store or any other place, as long it is not a place that your chama members can see the mess. “I will tidy up, Eve. I will.”

(5) “She’s just a friend.” With the physique of a Greek god and the looks of an alpha male, Adam revels in the myriad of beauties who not only know that he is hot, but are also aware the ratio of males to females needs to be balanced. The admirers are only friends appreciating the beauty of God’s creation. Just a friend. Admirer. Innocent.

6. “It didn’t cost much” Adam knows very well that there are figures that Eve will never fathom, either in this life or the next one. Like how do you tell Eve that in one night, you burnt 10k on rounds of drinks for the boys, yet you struggle to buy flowers worth Kshs.250? Or that the car spare parts cost 30k before labour? Of course, the standard answer to ‘How much’ will always be ‘Not too much.’ You see Eve, compared to the country’s budget, 10k is not much. It is very negligible. 7. “You mean it’s your birthday?” Adam has bemoaned this so many times that he wonders whether the birthday person is supposed to go around, declaring to all and sundry that it is her special day. Come on, you share a birthday with another two million people on a daily basis. Imagine the cacophony that would be caused if all the two million people decided to shout on the roof tops about their big day. Keep it very low key, Eve. So low that only you know, and remember about it.

8. “Touch me” What do you mean that it is Adam who initiates the moves of that eternally appreciated sensual dance? So when Adam hoarsely whispers his intention to be touched, take it as you Eve should be taking control of the dance routine. This thing of Adam hugging trees is not funny at all.

9. “I will miss you” Of course, Adam will miss his Eve when she is not there, because there is no way you can miss what is there. So go ahead Eve and disappear for days on end. Adam will truly miss you.

10. “I love you” Truce! Peace! “Adam, do you love me?” is a question whose answer can only be one: “Of course, Eve I love you!” Failure to answer this question in the affirmative, will lead to unleashing of verbal (and concrete) missiles that are detrimental to Adam’s life. So for the sake of peace and tranquility, Adam plays it safe and says ,“Yes darling, I love you.” At worst he will say ‘Yes!” or just nod his head and go “Mmmm.”

Source: East Africa in Focus