By ADAM vs EVE Published Oct. 7, 2010
EVE…. The only thing worse than the smell of a fight is Adam’s sweaty armpits and socks, among other things. But surely Adam, you think Eve cannot see signs that a storm is about to erupt? 1. Sarcastic remarks Even if Eve knows that you, Adam, does not like weaves, remarks like ‘mophead’ ‘yokozuna’ are signs that you are looking for a fight. You know there is no daughter of Eve who likes her weight (big ) being the centre of discussion. Neither does she like negative comments about her dressing. Polite request to you Adam – if you have nothing to say, say nothing, or else WW3.
2. Aloofness So you are there, ng’ethiaring and saying nothing. Eve cooks your favourite meal and all she gets in return are piggy grunts, or at best a monosyllabic reply of ‘sawa’. Food is preciously cooked, the table meticulously laid, the bed fragrantly prepared, and all you say is ‘sawa.’ Eve says, “WAR.”
3. Rude interruption Eve sees it all the time. Whenever Adam is among friends and colleagues, he ensures that Eve does not ‘open her mouth’ as Adam would later crudely put it. Adam, Eve knows about ego deflation, and taking the shine off the armour at the hour of glory. Publicly bashing Eve’s ego, and expecting to get away with it is asking for ‘WAR.’
4. Procrastination Surely Adam you should have been renamed procrastination and deferment. From being undecided on when to settle down with Eve (it’s Eve who prods you by asking, ‘kwani what are you waiting for?’), to not being sure if boys are more important than girls, to postponing discarding of garbage… Adam, the list is endless. 5. Bad dressing Adam, oh Adam, why wear those ugly trousers and mismatched socks, thick striped shirts that look like Shimo La Tewa’s prison uniform? It is embarrassing when Eve has a formal lunch function and wants to be the centre of attraction for the right reason, and not be noticed because her Adam resembles Nyambane’s look alike than anything else.
6. Stinginess What is this 24/7 msoto business? How come, my dear Adam, when you are with the boys, money flows like a river. In fact to use your own words, ‘money gushes out thoroughly’. When the car breaks down, it is up within a day? But when it comes to your Eve, 1001 excuses are invented, creative enough to win an Oscar. Adam, you are NOT allowed stinginess on Eve’s birthday, anniversary, engagement , and Valentines Day.
7. Tantrums Eve’s dad once said that only women, and children are allowed to throw tantrums. Why does big boy Adam throw tantrums because life and relationships are not going his way? Then you make Eve the victim.
8. Mother this, mother that! This might sound rude, Adam, but please get it into your thick skull that the person in your life right now is me, Eve. Your mother’s part and influence ended when you walked out of her house. If that is difficult to understand, imagine Eve comparing you, Adam, to her father. Please desist from mentioning the gospel according to your mother!
9. The boys have spoken! My dearest Adam, how come you extensively quote your boys, religiously believe in whatever they say, defend them ruthlessly as if they are more important than your Eve, come to life when they are around or make a call? Yet you never show the same passion when you are with your Eve? How come?
10. Low libido Adam, what is this that a man who has not yet hit ‘men o pause’ is struggling with libido? Would Eve be wrong if she, correctly, assumed that there is more than meets the eye? That there is some other Eve (or is it partner, to be politically correct), not only serving you Adam with the goodies, but is also servicing your withered tools? Please tell Eve that she is wrong. Please. Or else, WW3!
ADAM’s favourite song is ‘everybody loves kung-fu fighting’, though he knows there is nothing as bad as being perpetually in a fighting mode (with Eve). The signs tell it all. 1. Green-eyed monster Waah, the way Eve looks at every single woman that passes near me, Adam, is a cause of concern. Listen Eve, you gotta be smart nowadays because it is not the other women who are a big problem. It is you! If you will go picking fights to ‘protect’ a fully grown Adam , then sorry sister, the fights will not include me, because I love my space.
2. History So what I, Adam, did three years ago is still fresh in Eve’s memory box? Each time I make a mistake, honest or not, the roof comes crashing heavily on my head. “Remember the day you were ogling at that size 8 girl? Remember the night you forgot to mpesa me? Remember……” Of course, I do NOT remember. And I will NOT remember the day, however much you remind me. Because I AM ADAM!
3. Cross-examination ‘Where have you been for the last three hours?’ PASS. ‘How come the garbage is still in the house?’ PASS. ‘Which is that perfume, I have never smelt?’ PASS. “What were you doing talking to Mama Njeri for so long?’ PASS. ‘When will you pay my parents a visit?’ PASS. ‘Why do you spend so much time with your buddies, and not with me?’ PASS. ‘When will you propose?’ PASS. ‘Who is Rose?’ THWACK!
4. Spend thrift Life is tough, Adam knows that. The electricity bill is nearing four figures, the water rationing has forced Adam being to buy water at ridiculously high prices, and the landlord thinks he is the only one who deserves a raise every year. Then Eve pulls the mother of all – she goes to the salon for a haircut worth Kshs.2,500!! Buys almost five pairs of shoes, and several skirt suits. With every wedding (which is every Saturday); Eve has to get a new outfit, and Adam, pays all the damn house bills. Next time Adam hears, “honey, do you love my shoes?” he will surely know that kerosene is cheaper than petrol. And burns shoes as well.
5. Snooping around Eve is busy looking for evidence of an affair. She turns Adam’s clothes inside out looking for Olojo receipts, condom wrappings, other Eve’s handkerchiefs, among other things. She finds none, and turns her snooping to his phone and goes through his inbox, outbox, and delivery reports. Nothing incriminating so far, so she turns to the address book and starts asking questions like,”Who is Rose?” THWACK. 6. Endless headaches! Once upon a time there was an ad with the catch phrase, “Oh, please take it away, take the headache away…. Calpol takes it away!” It is hilarious that each time Eve pulls those stunts of headaches, the Adam in me feels like maybe its time to start playing games and fight civilly. Calpol might just come in handy.
7. Loose mouth That there is no daughter of Eve who is not a loose talker is not in doubt. Do those Eves even have secrets? I mean even the most intimate secrets, like the father of the baby not being that Adam. They even discuss their conquest with other Eves, or fabricate woishe stories about Adam. That is where the fan is hit hard by something familiar.
8. Insults Some of those daughters of Eve have filthy mouths, and they know where it hurts, and where to hit, so they hit hard. When an argument ensues, Eve immediately goes for the jugular and that is when Adam loses it. THWACK!
9. Name dropping With so many wanabee celebs around, the last thing Adam wants to hear are the names of these fake Celebes who seem to be taking Eve in circles. “Did you see how nani was smart yesterday?” On and on about the newscaster, and she knows the sister of the cousin, and the comedian, and the dancer, and the project fame judges, and the back crew members. If this is not a polite way of looking for a fight, Adam has no idea.
10. The ex-factor So Eve’s ex never forgot her birthdays? Nor did he raise a finger or voice at her? Took shopping? He waited at the salon as her hair was being done? Listen girl, the reason you left that man was that he was not man enough to walk away from all that bullshit. If you want that kind of treatment, go back to him. NOW!
Reach Adam and Eve at AdamEve@eafricainfocus.com
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