A Man for Every Occasion

John Makeni-Daily Nation

Multiple sex partners — anyone for it? Good, now that your attention is drawn, what is wrong with having different lovers (save for the risk of contracting Aids and other STDs)?

The jury may be out on this one, but not for long. On a Physics discussion forum recently, participant Tom McCurdy posted the comment: “Is it our society that seems to have the stigma that one person should have one partner only, or is it nature?

“Is it wrong for a guy to have five girlfriends at once if he does not lie to them? Would marrying in this instance (polygamy) be acceptable? Also, not only about one guy and multiple girls but also one girl and multiple guys?”

It was the climax of a hot debate that was doing the rounds. There were mixed reactions from the participants, but many seemed comfortable with the idea of plural pairing.

Closer to home, right by our doorsteps, this lifestyle is fast gaining root. Many are the women and men who are having multiple sexual partners. Clearly, the dating scene is changing significantly.

A generation ago, women were interested mainly in long-term romantic relationships, while men were not averse to short-term affairs with multiple partners.

Now women seem to have perfected the cheating game. Many are boasting of having at least three boyfriends. It’s great fun, they say. From sexual to economic needs, the young women interviewed said their cups are brimming over. But that sex is a the greatest motivator. Only in a few cases was financial need the main consideration.

The need for good, abundant sex — which they say is lacking in most formal relationships — is paramount.

Some of these women are certainly adventurous, even promiscuous, but who is to judge them? Most complained of the monotony of one partner, saying that having multiple lovers is “cool” and that one man can never be enough.

There is hope, however, for the righteous in society — a few said they firmly believed in one-man, one-woman set-ups.

I met several women, some longtime friends, others acquaintances and a few virtual strangers. In a matter of minutes, we were deep in discussion on love triangles.

Indeed, the Kenyan romance scene has changed a lot and so have the women. The best confirmation of this fact is the bee-line that men make for these young and restless women.

So why are women perfecting this art of cheating, an art that is mainly the preserve of men? Many have in their diaries the married man, the senior bachelor and the sex stud (maybe even two). Interestingly, these men are grouped into various categories.

There are those that meet the women’s emotional needs, even if but with sweet nothings only. Those for social outings — dinner dates, movies, discos and plays; those that cater for shopping and other financial needs, besides driving them home, and those that pay the house rent.

Isabel, 25, is a financial analyst and a girl about town. She swears by the Moral Code that she doesn’t have multiple sexual partners, although almost all her girlfriends do.

What a wealth of information she is, especially on the lifestyles of young carefree women — those with no qualms about cheating. Isabel is successful, well educated and a shining example to other young women. Or is she?

I caught up with her a week ago. She spoke at ease about her bevy of girlfriends who have more than three sexual partners. I wasn’t so sure whether she was an exception to such romances, but she categorically said No.

“I’m proud and selfish. I cannot have more than one partner. It requires work and time. And you have to be consistent with your lies,” she says.

Isabel knows dozens of women who cheat their boyfriends and husbands, to good effect. Years down the line, she says, the facade is still on.

She has occasionally gone out with these women and meet different sets of men. At some point, she even lost count of the numbers.

Seeing men in deceit chambers, strapped to lies and mere moments from the truth, she has heard them sing praises of the women, even devoting all their energy, money and time to them.

She has stood shoulder to shoulder with unsuspecting men who later wept, knelt down, and crawled away dejected on being dumped.

“A friend of mine has three boyfriends. One is married. He pays the rent, gives her pocket money and caters for her financial needs through Mpesa, whenever necessary,” she says.

The second is a wealthy senior bachelor who offers good company. He is the one she flaunts to her friends whenever they go out, and during their frequent gateways. “But she can never rely on him fully,” she says.

I ask: “Why is that so?”

Isabel pauses for a while. Then she reveals the presence of a main boyfriend whom the girl first fell in love with.

“He is about her age. His work is to satisfy her emotionally, something the other two can’t. He will tell her all the romantic things,” she says. “The young man is always broke, but the girl loves him very much.

I ask: “Is the young man the only one the girl sleeps with?”

“No,” says Isabel. “She sleeps with all of them; nothing is for free, darling. The main boyfriend has the best sex.”

Isabel thinks no man is perfect, and that by having two or three men, her friend’s satisfaction is nearly 100 per cent.

“It works well. It is very convenient, don’t you think so?” she asks. Her friend is determined to continue with the game until she decides to look for a husband.

Caroline Nasieku, 24, a Nairobi-based communication expert, says it’s normal for her age-mates to cheat with wealthy, sexually attractive men.

“Money is good, but a rich man is sexually attractive to a woman. You spot him and you go weak at knees,” she says.

Like Isabel, Caroline says she is not in such an arrangement, but swears that it is very common among her peers. The main attractions are sex, thrill and money. She says she would never cheat on her boyfriend.

Thelma Watti, 25, says it is not the wish of women to behave like this. She says the main factors are financial and sexual. That women must have a Plan B, just in case things don’t work out.

“It is painful for men, but it is the reality. A woman will have one man for money, one for love and a third for sleeping with. The second one may be boring, while the other is just good and nice. Maybe, too, she might empathize with a fourth man who is pursuing her ,” she says laughing.

Isn’t there some inequality if a woman has more than one partner as she will have to prioritize her resources among them? Doesn’t a woman have to decide who among her men is the most important to her? Thelma declines to answer these questions. They strike too close to the heart, maybe.

For those beginning to feel sorry for men, please don’t. They are far ahead in the cheating game. Many have multiple sex partners — but that is not the main subject today.

Nor is it on the chosen few who devote their time and energy on one romantic interest. The kind that dutifully meet the woman’s financial, emotional and sexual needs and are repaid with infidelity as she casts her net wider and fishes for extra lovers.

Benard Onyango, a 37-year-old marketing executive based in Nairobi, is one of the men who are concerned about philandering women.

“Some of them make sure they have multiple partners to take care of them sexually and financially. Women have become materialistic. They sleep around with many men for the flimsiest of reasons. I think for the older women, sex and fun are the main drivers. They simply are not satisfied with one partner.”

Wycliffe Ochieng, 30, a social researcher based in Mombasa, says that by having multiple sex partners, a woman taps from a wider gene pool, thereby ensuring that her offspring have better chances of survival.

“If a woman has a man who is wealthy, she subconsciously knows the wealth may disappear. So she woos other men as back-up, just in case. That is why immediately a man goes broke, his women bolt and seek other men,” says Wycliffe.

Dr Chris Hart, a renowned psychologist, says young career women pay great attention to physical attractiveness of a man, rather than to his social and economic prospects. He says most of these liberal women are well educated, have adequate finances and have consciously decided not to get married soon.

“They look for a man who is fun, someone who is exciting. They don’t think about settling down, but when they decide to do so, they stop moving around,” says Hart.

“They’re not looking for a spouse; they’re just having fun. And they’re very much in control of their lives. They want to be independent, to make their own decisions, own property — and have sex on their terms,” he adds.

He says women these days are behaving typically like men. They are rarely loyal to one partner. While in their 20s, he says, women do not think about having children. They think mainly about hooking a good man.

“Gone are the days when only men wanted to have lots of lovers while women were content to invest their love in monogamous relationships. The latter is the case only when she is sure she has found the right man to raise her children,” he says.

jmakeni@nation.co.ke