Here is one fundamental difference between men and women: while women actually relish the opportunity to express their emotions, few things scare men more than a confrontation which might involve questions about how they feel. Above all, the spectacle of a woman in tears making bitter accusations is so terrifying that a man will do anything to avoid letting things come to that. This leads many men to continue seeing a woman they have secretly lost interest in – anything to avoid a scene.
So ladies! Do you have a nagging suspicion that all is not well with your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder if maybe it’s time you stop fighting a losing battle and just give up? That maybe you are flogging a dead horse as you struggle to “keep your relationship alive”? But then, what are the signs you should look out for? How would you know if the guy you imagine is your boyfriend is actually a desperate or (even worse) bored man who feels trapped and is looking for a way out? How do you know if he is secretly hoping you will read the writing on the wall, realise that he no longer wants you, and just go away?
Our Relationships Correspondent RAHEL MUKAMI did a little research and this is what she came up with:
He will not let you leave things at his house- For obvious reasons; a man who is not in love with you will not risk being caught with stuff of a woman who does not mean much to him. Mary, for example, told me that her alleged boyfriend always help her pack all her clothes on Sunday afternoon. “He ensures everything is in my traveling bag-even the toothbrush. I find this very strange and I know there is something wrong, but I cannot put a finger on it. How I would love to believe that all is well.”
He does not seem that interested in intimacy- A man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desires. “When I meet up with my girlfriends for coffee, they complain that their men want sex every now and then. My man has lost interest in it. He rarely kisses me. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Initially my perfume was enough to sexually excite him. Slowly by slowly the intimacy has waned and he has totally lost the spark. Something tells me that he has as much need for sexuality as ever. He is just getting his needs met elsewhere.” says Carol.
He does not take interest in your life-“I had enough to think about; the elusive shilling, my bank loan and inflation, where to invest-given the Syokimau saga but more importantly how I will find myself a wife. The last thing I wanted is for Alice to come and start telling me the nitty-gritties of her work, her employer or her relatives. I enjoy going for a drink with her, she has the looks, class and elegance but that’s just it. It caresses my ego to have her besides me and show her off to the boys.” says James
He refuses to make future plans with you- I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow but if he makes plans for his future -long-term or short-term- and does not at least mention it to you and ask you what you think, am sorry to burst your bubbles but chances are that you do not feature in his future. If you find yourself in this dilemma, I think contending with the facts is the best thing to do, it helps you to exit with dignity.
He does not pick calls and does not call back – It doesn’t take rocket science to understand that someone who is not picking up your calls is basically not into you. “I knew my girlfriend was a modern woman and she had some reserved pride. I did not have the courage to say goodbye. I decided to try ignoring her till she goes approach. I ignored her calls and did not bother calling back. It worked for me she invited me over for dinner and broke up with me. Am happy no hearts were broken.” says Timothy.
He only sees you at night- If he calls you at around 10pm on Friday to ask if you are home so he can come visit you, and all you do that night is sex, baby girl you are a booty call. Such men will wake up very early in the morning and leave. He would not even be interested in your breakfast. If you are booty call by design, be assured that he will not be your booty call. This is evident in a recorded Kenyan dialogue between Muturi and Nicole that went round the social Medias some weeks back. It’s a pity, that this is happening to some Kenyan ladies and they are letting it happen. The men in question do not value or respect these ladies. I would advise them to stop living their life on these men’s time.
If he maintains emotional and physical distance- “I noticed that my best female friend was falling in love with me. I knew I needed her, but not in that sense. She is a good girl, but what I felt for her was purely affection. It was not hard to fall in love with her, but I knew deep inside that if it happened it would not last. I avoided direct eye contact and kept my distance while talking to her, insisted on handshakes, I stopped being too much of a friend. I did not want to send wrong signals. She was smart enough, she got the message. We are still friends and I am happy she got a man who loves her as she truly deserved.” says John.
He does not introduce you to his relatives or friends-“I am now a second wife, a fact that am yet to come to terms with. He treated me right; he pulled chairs for me and bought me flowers. He loved me-or so he claimed. I have always questioned why he had never introduced me to his family and friends but I was too blinded too see. I got pregnant and he married me. I got to learn of the first wife after delivering my baby. If I knew then, what I know now I would never have agreed to get married. I feel betrayed but am also to blame. I should have seen it coming.” regrets Karen. A different form of this is if he takes far too long to introduce you to his siblings. You may have read that in some Western nations it is considered culturally acceptable to have an agreement with your ‘significant other’ that you will both “not allow family to interfere in your relationship”. Well, this is Africa! If he does not arrange for you to meet his brothers or sisters fairly soon into your relationship (unless of course he does not have any) then he is already halfway out the door.
He pulls a disappearing act and avoids spending time with you- If you live in the same town, you call him your man but you only see him once in a month, you should be able to know that things between the two of you are falling apart. He may claim he is busy, but the truth is that we all have 24 hours in a day, nobody is abundant of time, and it’s how we choose to spend our time that matters after all. We create time for things and people that are important to us. If your man does not create time for you, it’s a sign that you are not a priority in his life. If he only sees you when he is bored, girlfriend, please find a way out.
He does not spent money on you- Ladies, if your man has money, but does not spent on you, he most probably feel like spending money on the relationship is a waste because he doesn’t see it going anywhere. Jane who recently broke up with her boyfriend can attest to this. She says that the only way his boyfriend spent on her is buying her drinks. He had a car and if he was not going with her to her place he did not care dropping her home, or giving her money to take a cab.
If you are the one who is always calling, texting or fixing dates- Anne who needed some advice from a relationship columnist of local newspapers asks, “I am dating this guy and he never calls me. I’m always the one to call, text or email him. He tells me he will call but he does not honour his words. I really don’t want to leave him for just that reason because I really do like him. What should I do?” I would tell Anne to stop initiating talks with him because he does not desire talking to her. I would hate to break it to her that the guy is simply not interested in her.
If he encourages you to date other people- This is most common in friendship between opposite sex. If you tell your male friend that you went out with some guy and they are happy for you and continues to encourage you then he only sees you as just a friend. A man who is interested in you as a woman will be alarmed to hear you say that you are going out on a date with a certain man.
He attends major event without you- We hear it every time on busted- a famous radio show-where a man is asked to go for a company event with a lady. The man definitely chooses the lady who he will gladly and proudly introduce to his colleagues. If he does not choose to go with you, he probably does not want to be seen with you, he might go with someone else or he is simply ashamed of you.
Source: NAIROBI STAR
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